How Not to Use Your Amazonian Artifact
by Ryoga the Lost
Summary: A re-write and extension of “Ranma Returns to Juesenkyo at Last” (S3-E24). Ranma, Genma, and Happosaii travel around time with the help of a certain mirror. Where do their minds want to go? What affect does this have on the past? Time is complicated.
1. An Onion and an Umbrella

Hello and welcome to this, my fanfic! This is based on an idea that I got one day and wrote down. About two months later I began to write this. This is a re-write and extension of the last episode of season three, "Ranma Returns to Juesenkyo at Last". At the time of creation, I had not yet seen anything beyond that episode so nothing from later than that has been added. This contains some bad language but as of yet contains no adult situations so one shouldn't need to worry too much (anyway, I'd never get away with it if I did add Adult Situations). Please do not complain about discrepancies because it doesn't matter. This is my story and is conducted in my universe. BTW, at the end of each chapter I will list a rule of the Mirror for all who care. Enjoy!  
  
-Ryoga (the author, not character)  
  
Message from Editor (Jamibu the Delayed): Warning: Extreme Use of Metaphor.  
  
How Not to Use Your Amazonian Artifact: CHAPTER ONE- An Onion and an Umbrella  
  
This instalment brought to you by the letter Z, who has paid not to be used. (We have sadly ignored his request.)  
  
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"Nothing is simple." - Anonymous  
  
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A thick mist hangs over the forlorn mountains, shrouding the land that they surround in a thick darkness. Far off birds flap by, loudly winding through the mountains on unapparent paths. Forcing each step, a young man trudges over the rocky path that winds through them, no idea where his eventual goal lies. He stops his stumbling and draws a short drink from a flask strung to his travel-worn bag. He falls to his feet in realisation of his desperation. He hopes to stumble across a sign that he is near. He has been travelling for days on end through this barren mountain range and has seen little that he could eat, and therefore hasn't. The hunger boars away at him like a rather angry rhino forcing its horn into a piece of Styrofoam.  
  
A crow flies away from the group lounging above and swoops over the man and down the side of what now reveals to be a slope. As it travels it relieves itself of some excess weight upon what it believes is a particularly mobile rock. A force seems to clumsily part the fog as if with a large log and allows a view of the valley below as the constipated crow circles above it.  
  
His eyes widen with the sight, and he immediately breaks into a mad dash towards the bamboo poles, ignoring the increasingly large pile of white paste in his hair.  
  
"I've found it. I've found it! At last!" he announces as he frantically runs down the hill. As he nears, though, he slows and a great worry flows across his face and sets into him like a truck suddenly delivering bricks onto his stomach. His eyes wide and his mouth gaping, he drops to his knees and mutters to the ground, which contains, for once, a large lack of water. His feelings grow wilder and angrier.  
  
He bursts out, "Go away you stupid bird!" He picks up a rock and throws it at the bird. This bird, though, happens to be rather gifted at aeronautical physics and manages to land another package upon the rock, sending it right between the eyes of the man with twice the force originally placed behind the stone. The bird squawks in triumph.  
  
"No, No, No! It's not fair! It's not fair!" screams Ranma Saotome desperation growing. "It's not fair!" The now highly relieved bird soars back towards the flock, which flew off to some point to the right of the highest mountain. The large mass on Ranma's head now slips down into his eyes, adding to the desperation.  
  
BANG! He is pulled back to the room that he has lived in for about six months now. He is sitting up on his blankets. Only the light from the street reflected on his father, Genma, who was forcing a dark bowl into Ranma's head.  
  
"It's the middle of the night boy! What's the matter with you?" inquired Genma, who was sitting up on his own dingy blankets in his usual dingy kimono.  
  
"Wha? Wha? Oh, it was only a dream, It was only a dream." said Ranma, calming down greatly.  
  
With his usual tone of disapproval Genma continued, "I can't believe you boy, screaming like that, you shouldn't-"  
  
"But I was at Jusenkyo! It was all dried up!" interrupted Ranma, suddenly remembering why he had been in a blind panic. Subconsciously, Ranma ran his fingers through his hair just to make sure it was a dream.  
  
"Boy, it was only a dream. It wasn't real. You have to get a hold on yourself!" said Genma as he forced Ranma against the wall to 'calm' him further. A note of worry had entered his voice as well.  
  
While flipping Genma over his head and into the closet, the now panicked Ranma added, "But what if it isn't?" He then promptly heaved his bag, slightly cleaner then he had seen it a moment ago, out from under his father and began to fill it with clothes and supplies from various drawers of an enormous chest of drawers to one side of the room.  
  
"What are you doing boy?" demanded Genma as he heaved himself out of the closet on all fours.  
  
"I'm packing! I have to know if anything has happened to Jusenkyo," assured Ranma, failing to sound even remotely calm.  
  
"But boy, it was a dream. Nothing could have happened to Jusenkyo," said Genma, already beginning to doubt his words as he cautiously approached his boy cautiously.  
  
"But what if it was divine inspiration?" asked Ranma, absentmindedly renewing his grasp on his crouched father, forcing him to the floor. "If something happens to those cursed springs we'll be stuck with these stupid bodies forever!" adding the emphasis of an oncoming bulldozer to the shake he was now giving his father. "Now, give me some money Old Man." The floor released a long creak of relief to fill the short silence as Genma stood to his full height and brushed himself off.  
  
"Don't you think that I would have planned for this boy?" said Genma, with all the air of a used car salesman. "Don't you think your Old Man has something saved up for just such an occurrence?"  
  
Ranma shook his head vigorously.  
  
Genma determinedly rummaged through the closet as Ranma looked on with as much belief as an Atheist shows to an angel standing in front of him. Genma then got up, walked straight for the chest of drawers, and opened a drawer. He withdrew a dented metal tin and handed it to Ranma as if it were the Grail.  
  
"There you are boy. Now go off and don't think about how you're," explained Genma with false anguish, "going off and spending your loving father's entire life savings." Ranma opened the tin and counted a few very old coins. His previous disbelief not being disappointed, Ranma threw a nearby bucket at Genma, knocking the wind out of him. Ranma continued to pack ignoring Genma's grumbling. Ranma, though, did not notice that Genma was still himself despite the arguing.  
  
"I should have known from you. You couldn't save a yen if your life depended on it. Life savings of 298 yen, my butt." A map was determined not to go into the bag. This time, though, something seemed to click inside Genma and a sly smile emerged across his battered face.  
  
"I just got me an idea boy," announced Genma. Ranma ignored the elastic map to look curiously at Genma.  
  
When people are presented with a challenge, some typically think it through thoroughly and weigh every option before continuing. Others jump in and do whatever doesn't come to mind. Genma, however, was doing both simultaneously.  
  
****  
  
Half an hour later the two were standing in the sparkling kitchen of the Tendo's house. The light from the street lamp meagrely snuck into the room. Ranma and Genma dared not risk another light. It looked like a horror film where the cabinet turns out to contain a serial killer armed not only to the teeth, but to the hair, arms, chest, and shoes as well.  
  
They had taken the last half an hour to slowly slink around the house, into Happosaii's room, and then to steal/borrow his magic mirror. Genma found it on the end of a string, stuffed down Happosaii's shirt, holding his most treasured possessions. Various undergarments expectedly accompanied it on the string, but they had to simply undo a knot at one end to remove the ornate red mirror from its sanctuary. They left the room as quietly as they could, but Ranma did manage to hit the squeaky floorboard. However, Happosaii hadn't awoken yet, so they mistakenly thought all was safe.  
  
Anyway, they stared ravenously at the heavily taped mirror.  
  
Eventually Genma said gloatingly, "With this we can go anywhere we want and it won't cost a stinkin' yen!"  
  
"I doubt the freak even remembered that he had it. So, how are we going to set it off old man?" asked Ranma, looking at his father questioningly, "I don't feel like crying anytime soon and it don't look in any fit state to send us anywhere."  
  
"Like this Son," he responded. He pulled a small half of an onion from his pocket, which reminded Ranma of a hand grenade.  
  
"How dare you steal an old man's magic mirror while he is asleep! You could have at least asked before taking it!" yelled Happosaii, who had just leaped into the doorway like a cat noticing a rather blind mouse. Genma responded with his now reflex action of bending his knees and clasping his hands so that he looked like a priest with a broken leg.  
  
"Oh, come on old man! Give me the onion!" cried Ranma. However, Happosaii had seen it and leaped for the onion clasped in Genma's hand. Genma responded by thrusting his other hand out and managed to block Happosaii. Responding to this, Happosaii kicked at the hand, which dropped the onion onto Ranma's eye, which for some odd reason, was under the onion. Ranma's eye responded by complaining to his brain, which then told his mouth to scream, but the important thing is that it told his eyes to tear up in order to clean them again. These tears then fell onto the mirror that was in Genma's hand that Happosaii hadn't attacked.  
  
To conclude all of this chaos, the mirror glinted in the meagre light and an edge of light shot across the screen. The tape fell off to reveal a perfect surface again. It then proceeded to surround the three of them in a small ball of electric blue light. They fizzled out of existence.  
  
****  
  
The light wasn't as strong as it had been the first time it had flared up some weeks ago. This was the first thing that Ranma noticed. While he was noticing this, he was not noticing the fact that he didn't exist in normal time, but that was the idea since noticing this normally causes one to go insane, or at least enter politics. After he had returned to normal space, Ranma noticed that he was standing on a street. He wasn't alone however; Happosaii and Genma were next to him, though one couldn't tell the difference between the hand and the pervert clasping it. The street seemed familiar; a déja vu feeling came across Ranma. The street felt familiar, but he couldn't tell if it was because he had eaten lunch there or run into a wall there. Finally he noticed that it wasn't the middle of the night anymore.  
  
In fact it was about lunchtime. The sky was generally blue, except for some clouds, waiting to pounce off the horizon and thoroughly slobber on the ground. In front of the trio was an open lot adjoining a quaint two- storey house. The house was uninteresting except for a large wall around the back that separated the lot and the amounts of damage to it. This left the house without a garden.  
  
Most of the lot looked like a curried porridge of dirt and rocks. A thin border of grass surrounded that, attempting to survive despite the constant use of its precious ground. In the centre of the porridge there were two holes about the size of a child's foot about six inches apart. Against the wall, a pile of cement tubes sat in a small pyramid hinting at the work that was not being done on this site.  
  
"So, what are we doing here? I thought my greatest wish was to go to Jusenkyo. We've ended up in happy land! I don't want to be here," said Ranma as loudly as he could to the air. He already doubted what he had said, but doubted if someone would pop around a corner and say, 'You're right!' to confirm this belief. Fate didn't work that way.  
  
"Can't you see you didn't use it right Ranma!" explained Happosaii, who was now standing on the ground in his all-knowing pose. "Your tears landed on the mirror, but Genma was holding it, so it couldn't determine your greatest wish. So, it settled for a lesser one."  
  
"So where are we?" asked Ranma.  
  
The answer was just walking around the corner. However, it would take Ranma a moment or two to a) notice him and b) recognise him.  
  
****  
  
He had been for a walk. By his standards it had been a good trip, but it had tired him more than was usual. His mom had told him time and time again that if he got too worked up about these sorts of things he lost his senses. If he didn't keep his wits about him he would end up just like his father.  
  
He hadn't seen his father in about two months, but this wasn't unusual. He had often wondered how his mother ever had the time to get to know and love his father, but somehow they had. His best guess was that, just like him, if his mind was clear, his dad could get anywhere, whenever he wanted. However, the fact remained that his father hadn't had a clear purpose in three years, or in fact, for most of his life.  
  
His mother had put up with it for she was very strong. To keep up her and her son's strength she had bought the strangest items that looked normal but weighed a ton. This, as she pointed out whenever he complained that teacups were not supposed to be able to be hung from the end of dumbbells, made for good training and ways to break the ice at parties.  
  
He, though, had always admired his mother. He looked a lot like her, the spiked black hair mainly, but also in a determination that rivalled that of large mountain ranges.  
  
His mother's determination had been stretched for some time now. However, she had been very lenient. She had given him special clothes that could withstand all weather, she had comforted him, and she had ducked from flying debris as he wandered around the house.  
  
Now that he was back, he would kill the evil one, and then he could get on with his life, having destroyed the current distraction.  
  
A wall passed him again as he rounded the corner. He stopped. He knew this wall. It was his wall. The wall that stood behind his house! He walked up to his goal of the last four days. He walked up to the front of the open lot and looked out into its emptiness. A new rage built in him. He couldn't believe that just being late for the match caused the evil bread eating one to run for it.  
  
Had he no honour!  
  
As loudly as he could manage he yelled, "Ranma Saotome, you coward!" but was surprised that when he had finished, a head was sticking out from behind some pipes. It surprised his so much that he didn't fall down out of exhaustion as he had become accustomed to doing at the end his of journeys.  
  
****  
  
Ranma had taken his time in recognising the boy because, at that moment in time, his brain was occupied. The result of this was that he and the others around him automatically panicked at the sight of something unexpected. Ranma's face did that famous expression usually reserved for when Shampoo was hugging him. His legs locked in preparation for a blow. Genma had leapt up against the wall and was hiding in his usual way, to 'blend in with the woodwork,' even though in this instance there was less woodwork in the wall than in a house on fire. Ranma did not note how quickly he had recovered from his prior pains. Happosaii had, quite unusually, jumped into a pipe to hide. Ranma had proceeded to join him.  
  
They had all listened carefully to what the boy had said, but only Ranma had the slightest clue who it was. He peeked around the corner to make sure.  
  
Ranma hadn't actually been here, even though he was now here, but he recognised the voice none-the-less. Someone had once told him about what was now happening, but not on the best of terms. A smile invaded Ranma's face and he flipped out of the pipe and walked very confidently towards the thoroughly confused boy.  
  
"You have no idea how much I've wanted to do this," said Ranma as he lifted the boy and hurled him onto the street like a sack that once contained potatoes.  
  
Genma turned around and hollered towards Ranma as he ran over to investigate the cause of this sudden hostility. "Who is that boy and what do you have against him?" Genma then turned and looked at the boy, who was rubbing his head on the pavement. He was wearing a yellow shirt and a bandana was tied around his unkempt black hair. His feet and shins were wrapped in a dark green fabric bound by ropes. He looked generally travel- worn. Genma knew the feeling all too well.  
  
Ranma was grinning like someone who had just won the lottery. "I'm going to stop you before you start ruining my life, P-Chan."  
  
"What do you mean P-Chan?" asked Ryoga unknowingly.  
  
Ranma lifted him to his feet and added a little too casually, "That doesn't matter right now." With extreme enthusiasm he continued, "Chestnuts roasting over an open fire technique!" Genma looked on inquisitively, choosing not to interfere, realising that this was not another fiancée.  
  
"Where?" asked Ryoga, looking around hungrily. Ryoga's memory would interpret what happened to him next as freight train hitting him, but in thinking about it, it actually felt like being hit by many freight trains successively. Then he blacked out.  
  
"Well, that's done. Shall we be." but Ranma's smug voice trailed off. Happosaii stealth attacked Genma's hands. He succeeded and snatched the mirror away. Then using his patented imitation of a two-year old, he wept onto the mirror and, in between two sobs with an evil grin penetrating his face announced, "I want to go ten years into the future!"  
  
Before any of them had a chance to react, a light rivalling that of standing next to a supernova shone from the mirror and surrounded them all, luckily missing the unconscious Ryoga. The light drew back into the mirror, leaving the pavement empty. A thin bead of light crossed the surface of the mirror and, as the mirror boiled out of existence, the bead shot straight through a wall towards a building not far off. Well, in a distance perspective that is.  
  
****  
  
This time, Ranma was distracted from not existing by the thought of what effect what he had just done would have on the future. Genma's mind was firmly set on what he was going to have for dinner and it doesn't take much to guess what Happosaii was thinking about.  
  
****  
  
"What happened to you son? It looks like you lost your way onto a railway track. What am I going to do with you?" said a loving voice above him. "And who are these evil ones you kept muttering about?" Ryoga awoke to find himself laying on his bed, his mother staring down at him. Worry gushed from her gaze and soaked Ryoga in a wave guilt. She had found him about half an hour earlier.  
  
He had been sprawled out on the ground like a possum after it sees an oncoming truck. There was no sign of anyone else around so she had assumed that he had actually walked in front of a truck, though she couldn't quite explain why he had so many bruises.  
  
Ryoga shot up, purpose reorganising itself within his mind. "I must find them! I must defeat the evil Ranma who ran from battle! I must find the evil. um, err, ehhm, other one!" He closed his eyes and calmed greatly before continuing. "But first, I must discover how to do that attack. It was so powerful, so strong. Without it I will never defeat them."  
  
"Son, I have known you longer than you can remember and I know that if you get something in your head, you're going to do it. All that I ask is that this time you pack before you go," said him mother reluctantly. He had been leaving home on these journeys much more often now and she had accepted that she could not stop him.  
  
"Alright. I'll leave in two days."  
  
"Could you explain what happened before you go?"  
  
"I finally made it to the vacant lot out back after four days-"  
  
"Good time." She was trying to calm him her casual tone, but it wasn't working.  
  
"-to find that Ranma had flown the coup from our fight. The nerve! Then this guy just walks up to me out of nowhere. Talks about some P-Chan and attacks me with-"  
  
His mother was getting worried. Her son had done something to the wrong person this time. "Then take this."  
  
She leaned into the closet and pulled out a red bamboo umbrella and handed it to her son. It was very heavy, but she handled it as if it were a piece of paper. "It will help you along the way. It has kept me strong, and shall hopefully help you."  
  
"Your umbrella," mumbled Ryoga in amazement. "I will use it well." He strapped it to his bag, with some difficulty. His mother then slowly slipped him down the bed and got him to sleep. He stood, giving the sigh of motherhood. She walked to the door, but before she could close it, she turned and looked at her boy. 'They just grow up too quickly. What'll I do with him?'  
  
***  
  
Two days latter Ryoga was preparing to leave for his journey (looking for the door at this stage) when a noise in the kitchen distracted him from entering the bathroom.  
  
Slowly, he made his way to the kitchen and with catlike precision pounced around the corner. The expression resulting on his face can only be explained if a cat had pounced around a corner to see the dog pound after the dogs worked out that if you dig enough, you can get out.  
  
A man was standing in the kitchen, holding the fridge at chest above his head, looking around under it. A lost expression was permanently etched into his face.  
  
"D. D.Dad?" muttered Ryoga in utter disbelief.  
  
The man turned very quickly and dropped the fridge, but then turned and grabbed it, and he then set it down softly and turned again. He looked the boy up and down. Eventually, his memory registered a match and an expression other than being lost, recognition, passed over his face for the first time in about a year.  
  
"Yes, it's me son," responded the man slowly, trying to be as kind as he could. "I told you I'd be back." A meagre grin crossed his dirtied face. He ran his fingers through his matted hair and down onto a shirt that was not his own.  
  
Ryoga still didn't believe him. His few memories of his father were fuzzy and mostly contained his voice, which was firm and thoughtful, something that this apparent tramp could never be.  
  
"I'm leaving now." Ryoga then walked out the front door and left into the mist that was falling from a cloud that showed no restraint in revealing the amount of rain that it contained. His father simply stared out of the open door at him and felt, like always, that he was in the wrong place.  
  
"He hasn't seen you in ages. He can't remember how forgetful you can be. He will return, eventually, but he's really bent on it this time. I think it will be a long time before we see him," explained Ryoga's mom softly. She was leaning against the doorway and looking out across the canal, her lip firmly held under her canine.  
  
"I can't do anything about that. He has your determination and my direction. Until he finds a purpose, he will be lost." His father carried an air of finality. He turned to re-enter the house, walking into a coat stand. His wife pulled him out of it and smiled. Looking to his wife he continued, "Hopefully he will find what he is looking for, but be prepared for it when he does. A chance is only good if you are prepared to accept the challenge it presents." The weight of ages sat upon his well-travelled shoulders, but it all faded away as he stared into his wife's eyes. They had done all that they could for the boy. Teaching him their various forms of martial arts since he could walk would help him greatly. His father looked out to his son, who was now reappearing onto the main street and continuing down the way he had started. 'May he respect the family.'  
  
The two walked into the house together, not expecting to see their son again. Fate would never let them down.  
  
****  
  
"We will find them. They are hiding somewhere, but we will find them. Even though I have no idea what should have been, what could have been, and what will be, we will find them. What they have done is unforgivable. We must find them!" said a voice full of malicious purpose to an angry sky.  
  
"Come, lunch time!" announced a much happier voice. A group of very varied people grouped around the steaming pot and ate. They were lost in the middle of nowhere and nowhen, but they did know how to get home; they just needed the right device. They just needed to knock off that one small speck, Ranma Saotome.  
  
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Note to the Church of Ryoga: Do not send lynch mobs to me yet, Ryoga will be redeemed.  
  
So, what is to come? What will happen to Ryoga? What trouble will these voices cause? Why am I so cryptic? Why didn't it rain? Continue to read and find out, maybe.  
  
To note, no I have never run away from home myself.  
  
Direct any comments of evil intent to your wall, it cares. Direct other, nicer comments to my account of electronic thingamajig at tripleplay97@yahoo.com  
  
-Ryoga  
  
Message from Editor: ¥ 190 = £1 = $1.50  
  
Mirror Rule #1: Whenever a tear should happen to fall upon the glass a gateway is opened to the bearer's heart and a path is made to where ever that person most wants to be.  
  
(First Edition: 21/10/02) 


	2. The Great Ryoga

Here we are at part 2! To remind you of what has happened, Ranma and Genma stole Happosaii's magic mirror to go back to Jusenkyo for free. However, Happosaii almost stopped them and all three got sent back to when Ranma didn't battle Ryoga in Junior High. Once there, Ranma beat the crap out of Ryoga. Happosaii then activated the mirror again saying, "I want to go ten years into the future!" What will happen next? (And, be warned, this story will continue to jump backwards and forwards in time, e.g. Describe battle then talk about someone walking into the start of that battle.)  
  
The standard disclaimer of "I'm innocently stealing here" applies. Direct any inconsistencies to your shoes. They need a friend. Enjoy!  
  
-Ryoga  
  
How Not to Use Your Amazonian Artifact: CHAPTER TWO- The Great Ryoga  
  
This instalment brought to you by a twig, without which the pavement would be empty. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------  
  
"Huh?" - A Great Man  
  
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The tiled floor gleamed at them in welcoming reassurance. Around them, various appliances sat, happily reflecting the sunlight at them in a variety of cheery ways. The paper door stood closed, but let the light flit across the floor with pleasure. The whole room gave the impression of being out of a children's television program, except for the three travellers in a pile in the middle of the room, which looked like a heap of disregarded seaweed.  
  
A soft voice and footsteps awoke the lot of them from various dreams. They leaped into an open closet and held the door open slightly. A woman in her mid-twenties opened the door slowly and looked questioningly into the room. She lightly edged into the room and peered around the very familiar surroundings. She thought out loud, "I could have sworn I heard something," but just then a far off voice called and much louder and with much more enthusiasm she responded, "Coming honey!"  
  
She nimbly stepped out, slid the door closed, and walked off down the hall, which was lucky because at this point three travellers fell out of the closet and out onto the floor in a very un-neat way. They ambled up and fully absorbed the room, which Genma's brain gleefully recognised as a kitchen.  
  
It is worth mentioning that all three of them have so far failed to process the image of the woman that they just saw. If they had, they might have had a bit more insight into their current situation.  
  
"Where are we?" asked Ranma, proving that point.  
  
"Ha! It worked!" said Happosaii with a far too large grin. "We're ten years in the future. Me and Akane have become an item."  
  
"And how do you know that?"  
  
Genma interrupted, "Just look at the kitchen equipment! It's all so different. That blender there is far too small and just look at this stove! Where's the gas?"  
  
"Oh alright," said Ranma, who had already accumulated a small pile of food and was stuffing it in a carrier bag he had found in a cupboard. 'Might as well be prepared for a long trip,' thought he and Genma simultaneously, who was now copying his son.  
  
"We might as well see where we are," said Genma in his strong tone, "and when we are." Happosaii indicated that he already knew precisely when they were, but Genma ignored him. The lot of them walked out of the kitchen and made their way to the garden.  
  
Genma announced, "We are, as the Master says, ten years in future from when we started all of this. This is also obviously the Tendo's dojo, and I imagine that the woman was Akane." Ranma, at last, began to think about that image. He quickly noticed that she had been ten years older, but her face was curved more towards a smile than the strains of anger. She was also slightly larger than the Akane that he knew, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. There was something basely wrong with that image.  
  
The group prowled down the corridors of the dojo, aiming for the front door. They had to walk carefully on the heavily polished floors. Ranma even managed to hit his head on a hanging lamp. At the time he was too occupied in his usual practice of searching the floor for the small splinters, usually evidence of the last fight.  
  
Genma was distraught when he saw the Shogi board lying outside the door, covered in dust. He couldn't think of what could make him just toss it aside like that. He would have at least used it for firewood!  
  
The house was pretty much as they had left it but with subtle changes added. The stairs were still gleaming from constant cleaning, but they now carried about a decade's more worth of wear and tear. The walls were no longer filled with patches but were firm and built of intact planks of wood. The phone book was actually closed and on the shelf, not propped open to the 'Take Away' page as it usually was. The pairs of shoes at the door were a tad disconcerting, two large and three small pairs lay shining up at them.  
  
'Where's my shoe cleaning twig?' thought Ranma.  
  
They slowly made it into the garden, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings. The garden had obviously been kept up. It was covered with flowers and the grass was actually green-green, not that well-treaded, dingy green. Soun had never truly worked outside, his art was martial not herbal. Nabiki could never be bothered. Akane had never seriously considered it. The idea had never occurred to Ranma or Genma, and Kasumi had enough on her hands, so their garden had remained rather plain with only a few low maintenance and cooking plants that Kasumi would tend with as she could. Happosaii, though, was instead noticing the lack of damage in the dojo. Life had obviously calmed down at the Tendo's in ten years.  
  
Remembering his original purpose here, Happosaii began to slink around the house to find out where Akane had gone off. Ranma and Genma, however, were not going to allow him to go alone and followed him the long way around the house.  
  
To their amazement, there was actually a bird in the birdhouse behind the dojo that had more often suited as a landing pad. Happosaii ducked under the dojo and scurried off to his favourite vantage point of the back garden. Ranma and Genma carefully followed the half buried mole to a corner of the house. From there they received a vantage point of the koi pond and a large section of wall. The patio had been extended so that they could also just make out the shape of the figures leaning there.  
  
"I'll be going out to get dinner honey. Do you mind watching the kids?" asked Akane to an unknown person. She walked from the other side of the lawn and onto the patio. She leaned down towards the unknown figure. A series of jerks passed through Ranma. His face reverted to a look horror and amazement that would be appropriate when one is served rotten fish. Happosaii simply burned a hole through the wooden floor above him with a mist of red.  
  
A couple people ambled out onto the lawn with her departure. "That's fine," responded an altogether more recognised voice, for Ranma anyway. Ranma peered around the corner and saw Akane walking away down the corridor towards where they had just been. Ranma's eyes widened and he quickly ducked. He had seen quite a lot when his eyes had gone wide, but he hadn't yet completely registered it.  
  
Often when a person sees something that they don't believe, their brain takes its time and misfiles the information so that it is never found again. Ranma's brain was not very good at this, and the sight of Akane being happy, pretty, and planning to cook without everyone running away for various large mountain ranges in non-adjacent countries were three things he just couldn't miss-process.  
  
Shortly after the gates creaked open and boomed shut they had all had to leap deeply under the house. Ranma had registered whom she had been talking to.  
  
****  
  
Genma had carefully watched Akane as she left and had noticed many things about her. She was humming as she walked. She had a different gait. He also noticed the glint and shape of one who has borne children. He may not have been around Nodka for long, but he had been able to notice those subtle changes. Happosaii decided to have a better look at the yard. Genma followed him.  
  
Ranma was about to look around the corner to confirm his thoughts, but he noticed that Happosaii and Genma were staring wide-eyed at the koi pond. He picked himself up to get the same view as the other two and joined them in their peering. Not much distracted the freak or the old man.  
  
His brain was so overwhelmed with this final sight that it gave up on most things, mainly his jaw and arms. Before committing more thinking power, his brain set his eye size to unreasonable and locked his knees as tightly as possible.  
  
Genma began to cry and Happosaii looked as if he had just found out that all women of the world had just left the planet, with their undergarments. Ranma's brain confirmed the presence of Ryoga.  
  
"Somebody shoot me." Facial expression had to be given up on now and his face simply drooped.  
  
Before the group of flooded stone figures Ryoga was leaning back on the open wooden patio. Next to him sat a large, familiar panda that held the expression of one who has just lost their home to a suddenly re-routed train.  
  
He was covered in graffiti and paint. At this moment a small little child was running wild over him with more paint, making an impressive rendition of a Picasso.  
  
"Leave him alone. He's an old panda," said Ryoga calmly, not bothering to look over. Ryoga was too absorbed in life in general. Even thought the dojo was reasonably successful, he still preferred wearing his old travelling clothes. He had enough money to buy plenty new sets, but he had never managed to find an outfit that matched its durability and flexibility.  
  
Next to the pond, a small huddled stack of clothes was sitting disregarded. However, when the second small assailant jumped it from the tree, it creaked up and a much aged and worn Happosaii appeared, attempting to convince the boy to leave. Happosaii hadn't seen the fallen form; he had been sulking for Akane. Now he fell into an all-out breakdown. His mouth was moving, but no sounds were coming out. A small lake was beginning to form under Genma. He obviously didn't appreciate art.  
  
The chattering ball of energy seemed to argue with the rubbish heap until the boy on the panda gave up creating a multi million pound piece of art, discarding the brush into an often refilled bucket, and jumped them, forcing both to the ground, one in laughter, one in anguish.  
  
At about this time Genma's crying had attracted Ryoga's attention. He curiously got up and was following a new river towards them when a figure that looked shaded even in the direct sunlight jumped onto the wall. This distracted him sufficiently to remove the newly formed shipping canal from his memory.  
  
The figure crouched on the wall was obviously much older than Ranma. His hair was disregarded and matted emphasised by the faded multitude of rags the man wore. He looked as if he had been on an extended Ryogic trip. This was exactly what he had been doing for about four years now, after having been deposed from his most recent property acquisition. The shadow on the wall showed a mild grin, but was obviously trying very hard to keep it there.  
  
With extreme smugness, Ryoga began, "My! How are you Ranma? I imagine that you have been having a good time." Ryoga's smile was now extending much too far.  
  
"I'm doing well. How are you lot?" asked Ranma disgustedly. His voice carried not so much hatred but sounded more like he was talking to the person who had found his winning lottery ticket. Ranma couldn't stand the amount of resent Ryoga still had towards him, probably because he used to be the one doing that, or could ignore it.  
  
"We're fine. I hope your still being accompanied?" Ryoga's smile was now to a point that it could cause stomach cramps at a three-metre range.  
  
"Yes, I am," said Ranma. The sarcasm was now bubbling inside of him, ready to blow a large hole in Japan at any second. He quickly glanced around the inviting lawn. He wouldn't dare stand on the lawn, not with it so content and alive. He also couldn't stand that Akane was happy, but that was minor in comparison. This time though, his hopes rose.  
  
Ranma (present) had been looking around the corner for too long. He had regained his senses long before the others and decided to enjoy the ensuing argument that he believed this dojo turned house so needed. He was frankly quite shocked by what he had seen, himself.  
  
However, he hadn't caught much of what had happened beyond that many flowers appeared to be crouching under the might of Ryoga's ample smile. He also hadn't noticed that Genma and Happosaii had ducked out of sight again.  
  
"So, who is hiding around the corner waiting for me?" asked Ranma. He expected Ryoga to get very angry with Akane for waiting for him. At this Ranma (present) ran. Ranma (future) quickly lost sight of the figure, and to completely annoy Ranma (future), Ryoga's face moved to curious anger instead of the hollowing anguish that normally overtook him. Ryoga walked firmly around the corner to see Ranma trying to run for it.  
  
Ryoga bounded over and grabbed him. "Akane's gone out, so there is no point in trying to catch a glimpse at her," said Ryoga as if to rub the defeat into Ranma's face with a sponge. "I can't believe you would reveal what you were about to do. That's dumb, even for you." Ryoga was then caught by surprise by a fist flying towards him. He blocked it in his normal way, to move slightly further away from the miss-aimed volley, but the fist hit him square in the face.  
  
As he stumbled back, more in shock than pain, he heard Ranma from behind, "So, who you talking to? Seem to have gotten more than you asked for." A smirk passed unhindered across Ranma's (future) face.  
  
Ryoga whirled around and saw Ranma mocking him with facial expression. "Where did you learn to do that?" demanded Ryoga.  
  
"Learn what?" responded Ranma, tilting his head questioningly. The smile remained. He was greatly enjoying being let out again.  
  
"To get past my defences. You just hit me straight between the eyes back there and got back on that wall in no time at all." His arms were beginning to loose control of where they were aimed. "You've not been able to do that in years. Where've you been training?"  
  
"I didn't go around the house. I thought Akane was there trying to get a look in.," said Ranma as if Ryoga hadn't noticed what Ranma was up to. "She still likes me you know." His voice was more mystified than a meeting of the fortuneteller's union. His face could hardly contain the pride.  
  
Suddenly filled with contempt Ryoga hollered, "No she doesn't!" He regained his composure when he realized that this was exactly what Ranma had wanted him to do. 'Damn. I need to stop falling for those tricks,' thought Ryoga.  
  
"Come on out whoever you are. Anyone who can hit Ryoga is a friend of mine," said Ranma, mustering all of the friendship he could. He glanced inquisitively around the corner.  
  
The multicolour panda had managed to free himself of the tyrannical reign of the children that had recently re-concentrated their efforts to the destruction of valuable artwork. He made his way around the side of the house towards where Ryoga had been hit. He found that Happosaii had had the same idea. The two walked on around the house without even trying to be secretive. The two had come to an agreement sometime ago and they now generally ignored each other so as to conserve their energy for the children. However a bond had formed between the two tormented souls in a similar way that a bond is formed between two enemies both locked in the same cell, one of similar predicament, not true friendship. As they made it to their destination they were surprised to see themselves walking around the building, but this didn't bother them much.  
  
Happosaii hurried forward to attempt to follow the two, but it was the tamed pet that had removed the mirror from its disregard. The panda nestled it against his drying chest and joyfully presented, 'Look what I found!' The two chuckled conspiratorially and proceeded to the emptiest portion of the garden, a purpose now burning from the two that could keep all the fire fighters in Japan busy for weeks.  
  
****  
  
Ranma (present) stepped unwillingly onto the open lawn. Happosaii and Genma followed, still in tears, but coming over the initial shock of temporal anomaly. Ranma (present) looked up to himself, now getting a better look. He couldn't quite make up his mind though.  
  
On the wall sat the same red top as had been worn for a couple years, and it showed through the fade of the colour and the numerous somehow expertly sewn patches. Hair was strewn across the man's head, the pigtail only barely surviving its disordered grasp. The face was dirty and marred by vigorous travels and angry shopkeepers.  
  
The Ranma on the wall was actually quite unaffected by the appearance of himself. He didn't know that he had ever done this, but the idea had often occurred to him. 'Cologne, I'll.' picketed through his mind in its well- rehearsed petition but was broken up before it could continue further.  
  
Ryoga was failing to comprehend what was happening on his otherwise peaceful lawn. He didn't even notice when Ukyo joined them.  
  
"What's happening Ranma hon." and she fell off continuing a sharp arc onto the ground. She quickly adopted the stance of the mental injured, only balanced on her head.  
  
Ukyo had jumped up because Ranma had been gone quite a while longer than was usual. By now he was usually twitching a hole in the street in response to a blast of energy that could bring a supernova to tears. She had been wishing that Ranma had, for once, hit Ryoga when she noticed that the local masonry was intact, so she leaped up to marvel at this new spectacle. Sadly her brain ceased normal operations in the middle of this jump, as she comprehended the presence of two Ranmas.  
  
"Time for oh so yum yum dinner made by loving fiancée!" called Shampoo, with the edge of spite missing for once. Ukyo had left a minute ago, but she hadn't come back with Ranma's cadaver as par usual. 'Has he finally defeated that Ryoga?' thought Shampoo as made her way along the wall towards the noises. She looked out onto the mostly cheery lawn to see Ukyo imitating a camel below her love. This gave her some pleasure but she was too well trained to stop and admire this spectacle. Ryoga had his finger shaking in the general direction of the house. His mouth was flapping, but made less noise than red shirt on the second day of an away mission. (Star Trek reference there you lot.) Beside the house a figure was casually leaning, staring up at the sky patiently. There was something familiar about him. At this point, Shampoo's subconscious was hit by the freight train of temporal anomaly and she lost all memory of what followed.  
  
****  
  
"So, what's wrong with you?" said Ranma (present).  
  
"Where did you come from?" asked Ryoga, though he didn't want to know.  
  
"There," responded Ranma sarcastically, indicating the reservoir next to the house. "What are you doing with Akane? She's my fiancée when last I checked."  
  
"That's something I would also like to know," added Ranma (future) with a much more refined sarcasm.  
  
Slowly Ryoga's brain managed to begin to ignore his surroundings. He eventually responded, "I won her fair and square. You were dumb enough to put her up as a prize in a competition. I won the competition." Ryoga had now managed to completely regain his composure, regardless of the rather loud explanation of every aspect of Okinomiyaki that Ukyo was giving to flora and fauna.  
  
"How did you ever beat me?" inquired Ranma (present), subconsciously adding an edge. His fury was clearly building.  
  
"Add some sauce at this point!" exclaimed Ukyo.  
  
"That is something else that I would like to know."  
  
"Devour your Okinomiyaki in one half bite!" said a swaying Ukyo.  
  
Shampoo added, "Bwak!"  
  
A battle aura is a concentration of the feeling within a person into an easy to use all-purpose haze. Japanese persons are particularly good at channelling their feelings into the small section of their brain that can produce the EM fields required to produce such an aura. Anger, jealousy, and vengeance are the most efficient emotions at reaching this section of the brain and produce the strongest auras. Proof of this theorem could be provided by the large lights display that is about to flash before the eyes of any passers-by of the Tendo dojo, circa 2000 AD.  
  
****  
  
Genma and Happosaii (present) realized that this wasn't the best place to be alive for the moment.  
  
"No point in wasting my time here," said Happosaii cheerily, "Might as well get to work." He disappeared stealthily down the corridor towards the stairs. Genma was beginning to overcome the anguish brought on by the proof that all his years of work to marry his son and one of his friend's daughters had failed utterly. He had produced little faults in the original plan over the years, but never actually failed. However, he didn't want to interfere with this husband until he knew a little more about the situation and could use that little attack of his involving blackmail. He walked unnoticed into the lounge to study the splash of photos covering the walls and work out what really happened over the last ten years. He also wanted to find a shopping catalogue to find out who had developed that wonderful blender he had seen earlier.  
  
'If there is more of this wondrous equipment around I might be able to live with the problems.'  
  
****  
  
"I still don't get what you're saying. Can you explain it any differently?" asked the now thoroughly confused Ryoga.  
  
"I get what he's saying you dimwit." Ranma (future) was loving every moment of Ryoga's torture and wasn't about to let it stop. He barely ducked away from a ballistic rock that Ryoga had just granted with momentum. However, Ryoga had missed not because Ranma had dodged it (Ranma had in fact moved closer to it); Ryoga hadn't aimed the rock at all. Ryoga hadn't even looked as he threw the rock. He hadn't even chosen the special rock for whenever Ranma showed up; the one that could bring an Islamic terrorist to tears for its sheer volume of menacing edges.  
  
Ryoga's brain was currently doing the equivalent of trying to calculate the number of atoms in, oh, a decently sized galaxy with only a piece of paper, a pen, and a faulty microscope. He couldn't grasp the immense, though insignificant, differences that were between the parallel time lines. (Mirror Rule: All changes made to time are kept in separate, parallel time lines until all current users of the mirror are back to what they believe is their starting time, whereupon all changes are enacted upon the users, though all memories are retained.)  
  
Ranma had explained his life story twice already and was getting tired of it. He could understand why Ryoga had managed to beaten him this time around, but did it matter that much? He removed his head from his hand only to see Ukyo sprawled against the wall in a way that would normally be reserved for skilled/stupid contortionists. She had fainted after attempting to eat the rocks around the pool and hadn't yet awaked, but her hands had managed to subconsciously drop the middle and ring fingers. Ranma (future) was grinning broader than a man who had cheated death twice in the same minute.  
  
"Ha!" interjected Ranma (future). He stuck his tongue out and happily added, "Missed me you stupid idiot!" Ryoga was momentarily pulled out of his lapse of concentration to throw a much larger, more aerodynamic rock straight at Ranma's head. The rock firmly embedded itself into Ranma's cranium, as did the grin.  
  
"Err," grunted Ryoga. He abruptly turned to the less injured Ranma, demanding, "Alright, I don't know what is different in your time but I've beaten you here and I can beat you again!" A new purpose burned through Ryoga in a way similar to how a fire burns through a field of dry grass. He saw that he could defeat all Ranma's in the universe and gain Ranma's power. This purpose flew from him when Ranma kicked him flat in the face.  
  
He wasn't hurt, but the blow took a large chunk of pride with it, seeming to add to Ranma's. This also meant that fields of dry grass across the world breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
'I've always been able to read Ranma like a book, but this Ranma had just hit me without any of his usual signs of attacking' (usually getting rather mad and running at him like a insane bull that had just noticed a cult of maidens clothed in billowing crimson cloaks had just walked into his pen classified as this sign).  
  
Ryoga jumped effortlessly across the lawn and adopted a loose, omnipotent posture. "Ok then. I shall fight you. You are better than the you who is you because you caused this you to be you in the first place by your actions, but-" Ryoga thought about what he had just said for a moment but was derailed by Ranma's cry, "Oh just shut up and fight!" Ranma ran for the casual Ryoga, a rage building in him for reasons that he had yet to fathom. Ryoga responded swiftly.  
  
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Well, isn't that a wonderful place to stop, but I though that eight pages was enough, so I've split this chapter in two. Well, not much to say really. Hope you lot are enjoying this, but if you weren't you wouldn't be reading this. Well, unless you like self-torture (The author of this story does not express any views about self-induced injury.).  
  
Um.  
  
Ah.  
  
Read the next bit! It's more interesting than this is! Go on! NOW!  
  
Oh, BTW, give me some feedback at ye olde address: tripleplay97@yahoo.com Death threats aren't accepted there though, use this instead: sod.off@dontgiveadamn.com  
  
Ryoga  
  
P.S. I hope that last e-mail doesn't really work.  
  
Mirror Rule #2: Should a tear happen to fall onto the glass from a person other than that holding the mirror a gateway is opened to a wish that is slightly less desired. 


	3. Why Not to Leave Home

Ah, the wonderful cut/paste button. What wonders it can perform. Plagarism wouldn't be the same without it.  
  
Anyway, we're back again with Ranma, Genma, and Happosaii from episode 24 of Season 3, stuck ten years in the future (which happens to be a couple years back for us. Isn't time lovely?). Ranma is currently having some fun with himself and Ryoga in a painful way (if you are thinking dirt already I recommend you leave now or suffer great disappointment). Akane is shopping, Genma is searching, and Happosaii is, is, is, well, you don't know now, do you? (Hehehehehehehe) Enjoy!  
  
Ryoga  
  
P.S. Find the cameo from Liam Mills (mate) and win something!  
  
How Not to Use Your Amazonian Artifact: CHAPTER THREE- Why Not to Leave Home  
  
This instalment brought to you by Macintosh without which Mr. Gates would have no foe.  
  
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"A million words can be contained in a picture. However, it can take all the words in the world to express a single feeling." - Anonymous  
  
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Genma had finished scanning the staircase and was now working his way through the upstairs bedrooms and hall. What he had seen so far wasn't very reassuring or useful. The pictures he remembered were still there but the new additions were just disturbing. It seemed that Ryoga taken an extra two years to show up initially and challenge Ranma, and he had shown up with Shampoo for unfathomable reasons. The pictures of Ranma in hospital afterwards showed the aftermath. However, Ryoga had been next to him sharing the postures reserved for only the most desperate human rights flyers.  
  
Another year on and a picture of Ryoga and Akane (now 19) getting married showed on the wall, so Ryoga had obviously fought again later and won. Ryoga was very pleased with himself, almost smug. Akane seemed to be trying to make the best of a bad situation. Genma, though, couldn't work out why all of Ryoga's guests were heavily armed women. Though Soun didn't feature in that picture, he was obviously nearby to create the stream that Akane was standing in.  
  
After that a picture of a retirement home showed where Kasumi (it's owner, based upon the name on the door) and Soun had ended up soon afterwards. Nabiki, in contrast, seemed to have gotten away from the house before Soun had broken down and was a successful businesswoman. She still thought of home though, since her room was covered with memorabilia from all of the locations across the world she had visited: London, New York, Paris, Peckham, Hong Kong, Los Angles, Orlando, Singapore. She was also shown with Kuno in some of these pictures, who appeared to be in charge of her company, but any relationship beyond that was impossible to tell from the pictures alone. His and her facial expressions varied from picture to picture, but why one could only guess. Genma did try to open a small safe under Nabiki's bed; he needed money; however, he didn't succeed beyond a small crack revealing a large collection of creased glossy paper and small boxes that Genma couldn't recognise for any monetary purpose. He continued on across the rooms, a very bleak picture of history forming before him.  
  
'Where was I?'  
  
****  
  
The day had been good and was going remain that way. She had woken up and she had been happy. She had made breakfast and she had been happy. She had made it through the morning and she had been happy. Now she was coming back from shopping and she would be happy. Some strange things had been happening today, but she was happy. She could have sworn that there had been someone in the kitchen before she had left, but she ignored it and was happy. In the street a heavily cloaked woman had run into her but when she saw her, the woman had just run off in another direction. She couldn't find anything missing, but that woman must have taken something or she wouldn't have run. Anyway, why would such a good-looking woman be so covered up on such a happy day? However, she had been happy regardless.  
  
A short, old woman had run up to her and demanded to know what she was doing away from the camp and out among people, but this woman had stopped in mid sentence and apologized in a forgiving, wavering voice, "I'm sorry to bother you. I thought you were someone else." She had remained happy and she would be happy. Later in the day a particularly tall (for Japan) man appeared suddenly around a corner and announced, "I'm implying I've got a massive-," but was cut off by a slightly shorter man wrestling him into a pile of rubbish. All of this went through Akane's mind in a very confused tornado. She looked down at Shampoo and wondered why she was clucking loudly.  
  
Akane had been having some problems whenever Ranma and his following appeared. She had never quite gotten over Ranma despite him losing that battle to Ryoga. She never knew why he had been so dumb as to do that; he didn't even know Ryoga that well, why was he so determined? But, she had learned to deal with it. However, whenever Ranma came around again and got beaten to jelly-like consistency her feelings would reappear with more force than her beloved mallet.  
  
It seemed that whilst together feelings existed only in a code that made enigma look childish, but when apart they were set free like a dog placed in a dog food factory.  
  
Akane attempted to ignore Shampoo, though she couldn't help but wonder if chicken would be good for tonight's dinner. To her surprise, Genma, as a man (which he hadn't bothered to be in about three years) and Happosaii were huddled over something small and arguing about something else. She paused for a moment at the gate to marvel at the spectacle before her, but they paid her no attention.  
  
She walked into the house. She dropped her shopping in the heavily ordered cabinets and tidied up a bit before a crash distracted her from the meagre layer of dust on top of the fridge.  
  
She stowed the brush away in a recess of the cupboard that could make a fly feel cramped and walked out of the room, ducking under the faded, tattered cloth hanging down over the doorway. She walked down the hall towards the living room. There was someone large moving around in there and she didn't know of anyone that would be in there on a day like this.  
  
The door was ajar. She peered cautiously around the corner, much like a cat looks for a loving hand and therefore scratch, into the room. She was greatly relived to see that it was only the Panda. He was inspecting the pictures, though at a level of thoughtfulness that Akane never thought the demi-tramp could reach. The thought of how Genma had changed back and managed to get into the room unnoticed never managed to cross her mind.  
  
"You're awfully sentimental today," cooed Akane as she slipped into the room. The panda jumped back to face her and assumed 'I-didn't-do-it' posture #2. He held up a sign proclaiming, 'I appear to have lost my way." Then he skipped innocently out of the door, out of sight. This took Akane by surprise. Genma hadn't been that happy in ages.  
  
'Never mind,' she thought and followed him out into the yard. What she saw surprised her even more.  
  
She looked out onto the lawn expecting to see her Ryoga and children happily playing on the lawn. Possibly even Happosaii desperately attempting to escape the boy's little games (which would prompt Akane to place him back within the circle of joy). Her children were happy, but not because they were playing.  
  
They were sitting on the edge of the pond cheering, "Daddy! Daddy!" The panda had just skipped around the corner of the house. Her eyes moved across to Ukyo, who was lifting her self off the ground in a daze, spitting out the half a boulder in her mouth. It looked as if she had just woken up from a rather bad dream. Ranma was sitting on the wall looking very pleased at something in the lawn. Intrigued, she looked down to see Ranma with his foot in Ryoga's face and Ryoga's fist being held back by one of Ranma's hands.  
  
"Ranma!" cried Akane neutrally. Both Ranma's turned and in unison, "This is my fight. Stay out of it." Ranma (future) turned and paid his full attention to the battle going on. He obviously, to Akane, wanted to be fighting but knew he couldn't, yet. His eyes bore what his face wasn't allowed to. The other Ranma was battling with all the ferocity of starved ten limed mother grizzly bear. Ukyo had righted herself and was feeling very worried about these events. 'She obviously hasn't realised who was fighting,' thought Akane.  
  
Somehow she immediately knew what had happened. 'I wonder how they got it off the runt?' she asked herself.  
  
Ryoga kicked up the arch of Ranma's legs. Ranma swivelled onto one foot and sent his right hand straight at Ryoga's stomach. Ryoga swerved, but Ranma corrected and hit home. The blow didn't affect Ryoga badly.  
  
'Must still be resistant,' thought Ranma. Ranma dodged a barrage of punches and delivered a swipe of his leg across the knees, which caused some reaction in Ryoga. Ryoga was annoyed by this and back flipped over Ranma, turning around in mid-air. Ranma jumped straight up as Ryoga was doing this and hit him in the jaw with both fists.  
  
"Well, maybe you are worth fighting!" said Ryoga smugly despite his muffled speech from a yard away.  
  
"I am already fighting and beating you, you idiot!" informed Ranma as he forced his hand into Ryoga's face again.  
  
"Argh!!!" yelled Ryoga in determination as he did something that Ranma didn't think he could. The freight train that was mentioned earlier reared its ugly boiler again.  
  
Ranma was quite surprised that Ryoga had learned this attack. Beyond the Bakkusai Tenketsu Ryoga had never succeeded in learning a technique to date, but this one obviously had. Ranma had to respond to the Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire technique by mimicking to block Ryoga's punches. Managing, however, to deliver some hits to Ryoga as well by blocking two close strikes with one arm.  
  
To someone watching it looked as if the two's arms had become interlocked, but eventually Ryoga blasted away from Ranma and landed nimbly on the edge of the pond.  
  
"You won't stop me with just that!" Ryoga's voice contained as much anger as the emperor of China had when he realised that that wall he had spent the last century building had a hole or two in it.  
  
"When did you learn how to do that? An unstable jerk like you shouldn't know a dangerous move like that!"  
  
"Look who's talking! I wouldn't go around-" Ryoga was stopped by a foot forcing him into the pond. Ranma had enough speed to continue over the pond and landed on the wet border. He turned around and smiled as he admired the small black piglet emerge from the water and lug its way out of its soaking clothes.  
  
Smiling far too broadly, Ranma (future) said, "I haven't managed to do that in ages." His smile was not quite as broad as before but still sufficient enough to make the Cheshire cat look as if it was frowning.  
  
Ranma (present) added, "Well, it's good to see that one thing is the same."  
  
Ryoga finished, "Oink."  
  
Akane had been watching all of his with a measured concern and had brought the emergency kettle. She used it on Ryoga and, in her new (patent applied for) calming voice said, "Come on honey. Don't be so angry."  
  
Ranma (future)'s smile quavered slightly as Akane poured the contents of the kettle onto the pig. Ranma (present) stood in his 'I-am-much-much-much- better-than-you-and-you-know-it' posture. Ryoga was quite put out by the smugness that emanated off of both Ranma's like waves from a boulder thrown into a pond.  
  
Ryoga stood up and thought about what to do for a moment. Then he announced with careful pace, "The fight has just begun. You shall not survive any longer. I underestimated you due to your counterpart's inability to be more useful than this (indicating a patch of slightly browned grass). Prepare to die."  
  
Ryoga slowly stepped parallel to Ranma, about two metres away. Ryoga stared at Ranma who just looked sceptically back. Ryoga bowed his head and allowed inner peace to overcome him. Ranma was about to kick him again when Ryoga broke this peace.  
  
"I was once as you described your Ryoga, lost, hopeless, and without order. I have been trained and am now at peace, but when necessary I break that peace and allow my power to run strong. Feel this power." His voice oozed with a level of hatred Ranma hadn't thought him capable of. This took Ranma by surprise, which wasn't good because it offset his leap at Ryoga's head. Luckily, this saved him from a rather painful explosion on the ground where he would have landed.  
  
The ground was exploding in small bursts for no apparent reason across the garden. It was reminiscent of when a box of fireworks goes off. Ranma was dodging shrapnel constantly and it kept coming like a bee comes to someone with a terminal fear of insects. Ranma couldn't work out how Ryoga was doing this. He had always needed to at least touch the ground to destroy it. In fact, Ranma couldn't see Ryoga through the avalanche of dirt. Just as suddenly as it started, it stopped and Ranma at last saw Ryoga, his index finger sitting at the ready to his side.  
  
"Had enough yet?" asked Ryoga, enjoying every syllable.  
  
"No," responded Ranma plainly.  
  
"So be it." Ryoga blast his arm out repeatedly and jumped into the sanctuary of the tree to view his destruction. Wherever his finger had shot a new explosion formed. From his safety he set off more. Ryoga's maliciousness was overcoming him and, as with all megalomaniacs, he began to make mistakes. Ranma saw a lack of ground coming up to meet him down one side of the garden and made his way across an uneven path of airborne rocks there. In the short peace offered by this safe ground he saw Ryoga's perch. He made for the now jagged branches and forced Ryoga off of it into his own minefield. Ryoga's common sense returned to him like a boomerang returning to someone who just thought it was a stick.  
  
Ryoga composed himself by the pond long enough for the dust to settle to three yards visibility. "You have evaded my distanced Bakkusai Tenketsu well, but can you evade this. It was developed over 3000 years of Chinese Amazon history and-"  
  
"Don't you start that too," said Ranma distastefully. He blasted a punch into Ryoga's stomach forcing him to the revenged ground and rebounded off into the tree again.  
  
"What do you mean too?" asked Ryoga as if he was talking to an idiot, which from his point of view, he was. "Anyway," the fury returned to his voice, "Now I shall show you real pain."  
  
Ryoga aimed his arm at Ranma's head, filled it over, and jerked his wrist hard down. A blast cracked through the air, narrowly missing Ranma's head, but the ensuing bang and outwards blast got Ranma with much the same effect. Ranma (future) was now nowhere to be seen, as was Ukyo and Shampoo. The two boys had now started jumping up and down renewing their chants. Akane had taken a prime seat.  
  
"What the hell was that?"  
  
"That," responded Ryoga triumphantly, "is an attack of supreme," Ryoga shot Ranma again, but still missed, "power and skill." Another blast came nowhere near Ranma. "Just as the tree strikes back when it is blown by the wind, I strike back with vicious power. Feel the Lakotai Fukeni."  
  
Author's Note: Proper Chinese for 'Swaying Tree' appreciated.  
  
"What are you going on about?" asked Ranma flipping away from yet another blast like a cat jumping in front of a rat. The explosions were beginning to take their toll on Ranma and the tree. His mind set itself to a decision and he leaped for Ryoga just as he started another volley.  
  
The plan worked perfectly. Ranma had seen that Ryoga was shooting the blasts from his hand, so he simply forced Ryoga's hand in on itself as he shot and savoured the effect. Ryoga gave a scream of pain comparable to if you had been half trampled to death by a herd of spike-footed buffalo. Ranma then engaged part two of the plan and gave Ryoga all of the Chestnut Fist he could muster. Surprisingly, Ryoga still had some fight in him and attacked back in the same way.  
  
The two could not escape from or stop their attack or the other would destroy them utterly. The futile barrage went on for about a minute before either of them noticed that the ground around them had just started glowing and the next thing that either of them knew, they were flying up towards the stratosphere at an acceleration that could launch a space shuttle.  
  
****  
  
Akane couldn't stand to watch the two fight. When one had been much more skilled than the other the fights were short, quick, and harmless, but now Ryoga had such powerful attacks and the pain reception of a brick wall. Ranma had the resolve of Duct Tape and knew a trick or two of his own. A fight would never end between them without death.  
  
After the Chestnut fist fight of doom began, though, Akane's mind was made up and she attacked the two of them with the only special skill she could think of that would be of any effect; the one that she only ever used on Kuno or Happosaii. Her anger grew as she charged towards the blur of appendages like a tank driven by a suicidal maniac.  
  
Her fists glowing, she punched both of them with the Orbital Hit. The punch itself wasn't very strong. However, the ground beneath them glowed momentarily and the sound of high voltage screamed quickly to the ultrasonic. The two then abruptly disappeared into the sky.  
  
"Well, it serves them right," said Akane as she pouted off into the house to her room. A hard, warm breeze followed her into the house, upsetting many pictures and newspapers in a pile on the table. The air sighed as it was allowed to expand again into the house.  
  
****  
  
"What the hell are you doing!" asked Akane, in a slightly high-pitched voice, to a panty warmer on her bed. He was smiling, self satisfied, and nurturing the precious underwear. He noticed her and leaped.  
  
"Well, I only wanted to thank you for the presents," responded Happosaii with the tone of a two year old when he asks for a toy all of his friends have. She forced him with some difficulty off her ample chest and threw him onto the bed. To make it absolutely certain there was no doubt in the matter she followed that by a couple of strikes from a nearby sword.  
  
Happosaii, though, had left, leaving a pillow very sad indeed.  
  
"What's up with him all of a sudden?" asked a deeply breathing Akane at the doorway.  
  
****  
  
"Well, if you want anymore proof that this is the wrong place, that's it," said a shrunken figure, a finger pointed towards two points of light rapidly falling up the sky.  
  
"Alright, we'll try again. Eventually we'll get here at the right time," said a determined voice.  
  
"We will. We will. They cannot be allowed to get away with this heinous crime."  
  
****  
  
"I'm glad we ran for it. That battle was getting a bit to heated for my liking. Let's not return for a while. I doubt Ryoga will be happy to see me," panted Ranma as he ran at full speed in no apparent direction. Shampoo and Ukyo attempted to follow is haphazard path with the cart laden with equipment, but were rather failing. However, this was made up for in the fact that Ranma kept going around blocks five or six times before turning off, giving ample movement time.  
  
"Me agree," responded Shampoo happily.  
  
"OK," said a worried, tired Ukyo. They had forgotten the map and Ranma was in the lead. 'Damn,' thought Ukyo, 'If only he could be like that one that's fighting Ryoga.' Ukyo then ran into a streetlight as she double took a young man in a yellow shirt and braced legs. Ranma hadn't noticed him in his extensive study of the local geography.  
  
****  
  
Ranma had first been glad to get out of the never-ending attack. Then he noticed that the reason that he wasn't still in a stalemate with Ryoga was that Ryoga, being slightly heavier than Ranma, was not accelerating upwards as quickly as Ranma was. This didn't mean, though, that they weren't accelerating about as quickly upwards as a squirrel accelerates away from the front of a car. However, unlike the squirrel, which normally comes to an abrupt halt shortly thereafter, they kept going. Ryoga was quite unphased by the lack of solid ground beneath his feet.  
  
Eventually the momentum spent itself and the two plummeted towards the outstretched hands of gravity. Ryoga gained even more air on Ranma. About 30 seconds from the ground, Ryoga suddenly pulled out his umbrella and coasted calmly to the ground.  
  
Ranma began to panic. Following his previous patterns of luck, though, he happened upon a low flying plane full of beginning skydivers. Ranma fell onto the plane, quickly shimmed around into the door, much to the fright of everyone in the plane. He quickly picked up a discarded parachute and said quite plainly, "Sorry 'bout this. Hope you don't need it," and jumped out of the plane.  
  
After landing on the neighbour's roof, discarding the parachute, and leaping his way back to the house, Ranma found Ryoga questioning Genma and a living piece of modern art; Akane attempting to put both Happosaii's on the same kebab rod, and the Happosaii (present) attempting to demonstrate a shape roughly the size of a watermelon to his counterpart, who was distinctly uninterested.  
  
Ranma saw the glint of the mirror under a cold kettle and he knelt down to pick it up. Genma (future)'s eyes opened wide and he began to make every attempt to get away but was held back by Ryoga pouring hot water on his head from a different kettle and insisting on more answers from the cheating scumbag.  
  
'Ah, he's finally got to know him well I see.'  
  
Genma quietly stepped away from the resulting conversation and approached Ranma.  
  
"Well, this is definitely a strange place. It appears that Ryoga has taken your place as Akane's bride after some sort of battle about seven years ago. You were greatly distressed and disappeared for quite a while. It seems Shampoo and Ukyo followed you out of pity and have been ever since," informed Genma, in a false whisper. "This needs to be fixed. If you hadn't beaten that boy up so long ago, this wouldn't be happening now!"  
  
"ME!" exclaimed Ranma in disbelief. He quickly realised that no one liked this remark and he became very quiet. "If you hadn't gotten that bright idea we wouldn't be here right now in the first place."  
  
"Forget whose fault it is boy and concentrate on how we're going to fix it."  
  
"How are we going to get away without him (nodding at Happosaii) not noticing?"  
  
"I'll set it off here and now." Genma pulled the onion from his pocket so carefully it could have been a bomb about to go off. He rubbed it in his eye. The tear fell. The hand of Happosaii intercepted the mirror. The tear missed.  
  
"How dare you think of leaving me here!" proclaimed Happosaii.  
  
"I never would of thought of it master. I was just about to call you," pleaded Genma falsely.  
  
The others in the room had gathered around to see what the commotion was about.  
  
"I knew it was my magic mirror!" announced Happosaii (future) proudly.  
  
"It's what?" asked Akane and Ryoga in unified misunderstanding. The response did not reach them since them suddenly they all ceased to exist in the normal sense of the word. Genma's eye hadn't quite been done yet.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------  
  
Well, that's Part 3 done. I know it was long winded and the battle a tad short, but the story should begin to speed up a bit more now.  
  
Where are they going now? How does the mirror know where to go? Who will they meet? Did everyone go or just the first three? Who is this group of people who are never at the right place? I don't know; stop asking! Read part 4 to find out!  
  
- Ryoga  
  
Mirror Rule #3: Until the wish that the mirror has given the opportunity to appease has been appeased, it shall not function properly. Please do not contact your local service provider.  
  
Editor's Note: The problem with Cut & Paste is the author forgot to update the numbers! (Congruency).  
  
Author's Response: That's your job, not mine! 


	4. AntiNewtonian Logs

Hello again! It's nice to see that someone is interested in this story. If you have anything that you want to ask/tell me, you can contact me, Ryoga, at tripleplay97@yahoo.com . This is now Part Four. In the last episode Ranma met a version of himself and Ryoga from ten years hence. However, he was the lost one and Ryoga was married to Akane. When Ranma revealed himself to Ryoga, the two inevitably fought. It ended with the room being engulfed in the light of the mirror. What will happen next? When will I stop asking questions? Nobody knows.  
  
Warning: Vigorous comma use! I.E. may crash due to overload.  
  
Editor's Note: Absurd and extreme use of '-ey' and '-y'.  
  
Warning: LONG!  
  
-Ryoga  
  
P.S. (".") = translated speech for your, not the characters, convenience.  
  
How Not to Use Your Amazonian Artifact: CHAPTER FOUR: Anti-Newtonian Logs  
  
This instalment brought to you by those £5 PC games that no one ever buy; without their sacrifice store shelves would be empty and have nothing for us pretend to look at. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------  
  
"My gut tells me maybe."- Leader of the Neutral Homeworld (Futurama)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------  
  
This time, not existing didn't catch anyone by surprise. It seemed that since they were created by something that, technically, was as likely as the world becoming a bowl of banana yogurt, they were unaffected by the move. Most of their minds wandered off onto tangents; Ranma to revenge, Ryoga to Akane, Akane to her kitchen, Happosaii (present) to that lovely curve his arms had been forced to form earlier, Happosaii (future) to a long drawn sigh, Genma (future) to what tortures the children would endure alone, and Genma (present) to what other innovations the future would make in the area of kitchen utensils.  
  
It was very misty, but not actually wet, only foggy enough so that you couldn't see an angry mob charging from two feet away, which for Ranma was usually a good thing. Ranma first became rather worried that he was dead, but then was calmed by the fact that the freak would be dead as well. When Ranma realized that he would be spending all of eternity with the freak he began to despair. This caused him not to notice the group standing around him.  
  
Ryoga had never used the mirror before but had heard of it whilst training. He had been quite surprised when he opened his eyes again to see what, to him, was a very familiar sight. Akane had no memory of this location what so ever. This was for the good reason that she had never actually been here. Both Happosaii and Genma remembered the buildings in front of them perfectly, but for different reasons, though both involved pain.  
  
The houses were perfectly normal for the area, that area being deep emptiness. They all sat in neat rows, lining up perfectly. The entire town was reasonably clean and tidy. There was no graffiti on the walls and no broken windows on the houses. There wasn't even a kicked in phone booth!  
  
The entire town lay on flat ground, except the high street, which was slightly higher. This was the town was that town planners had nightmares about. There weren't even any roads around to sign post incorrectly. There were only two problems that stopped people from visiting this quaint little town on a regular basis. The first was that it's in the middle of nowhere.  
  
Everyone who had been through the mirror could tell this immediately. The mountains rising above the mist in the distance and the wide trail leading down towards the town indicated that this was not near a shopping precinct or bus line. The whole area had an open feel. It would be a very nice place to go on a relaxing holiday but no one sane was currently considering this. No one insane was either. This was partially due to the fact the no one knew it was there.  
  
The second reason why no one visited the town was that you typically didn't leave it alive, or in the same marital status. The tribe of Amazon women living there hated outsiders and would challenge anyone that entered to a duel (except delivery people). If the person won they would either be married and never leave or would be chased across the Earth and then die so basically they would never leave or at least never get around to telling a holiday company where it is. There was one instance where a travel agents was told about the location of this village, but it was such an unpopular travel agent that this information lies deeply buried inside a locked safe marked 'Liquidation' in a French woman's basement. If they lost the battle they would die and therefore never leave anyway.  
  
All of this combined created a generally unknown town to anyone beyond the government (tax collectors are stopped by nothing and no one would marry one anyway), delivery persons, and those of us who own maps of strange and unknown regions of the world. Ryoga fits under none of these categories, but knew about it anyway.  
  
"So where are we anyway?" asked Akane.  
  
"I'm, I'm, I'm, back again," muttered Ryoga to himself.  
  
"Not again," moped Ranma to the ground.  
  
"Now you can live again!" said our Happosaii.  
  
"You will help me? The old ways are lost to me," said the other Happosaii.  
  
"Old ways!" said an outraged current Happosaii. "It is a hobby. And you can't forget it."  
  
"You can't forget that sort of perversion for sure. I thought you would have learned by now. You've been here enough," said Ranma, now a tad happier with the ceremony of putting down the freak. "Third times a charm as they say."  
  
"What are you trying to say?" responded Happosaii vengefully.  
  
"That you should be more careful," said the older Genma.  
  
"Oh never mind," said Happosaii. Happosaii began to scout out the area, knowing prey was near. Happosaii also tried to take a nap, but Happosaii would not allow himself to do this, even if it was the right time of day.  
  
In a slight daze, Ryoga continued from some distant memory, "Should a tear happen to fall onto the mirror a gateway is opened to the holder's heart and a passage is made to where ever they most want to be." He returned to a sceptical face and turned to Genma. "What do you want to do here?"  
  
"I have no idea what you are talking about."  
  
"You have come back to stop me haven't you?" said Ryoga doubtfully.  
  
"I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't even know who set off the mirror," said Genma plainly. He agreed with himself with some vigorous nodding.  
  
"You know that you did it and you know that you want to stop me!" said an outraged Ryoga.  
  
"I don't even know what you are talking about."  
  
"Is someone going to tell me where we are?" asked Akane.  
  
"You have to know why we are here. It's your damn wish that put us here!" said a now very annoyed Ryoga.  
  
"I do not yet know what wish this trip is intended to fulfil."  
  
"You want to stop me! I know you now know what I have done because you've been talking to yourself about the past and have found out about me from you!"  
  
"Oh, that," said Genma flatly.  
  
"Is someone going to tell me what is going on here?" said Akane, looking around attempting to gain curious recognition. 'Why can't déja vu be a conscious thing?'  
  
"For your information I have no intention of stopping you right now. You do know that I disapprove of this match but it was not my decision to, it was his and he has been appropriately punished."  
  
"Hey! It's not my fault!" said Genma (future).  
  
"It's definitely your fault since you made the decision."  
  
"I did what was best."  
  
Akane joined in again here by saying, "Yeah, you helped a lot. You ran for the hills for three months while everyone else sorted out what was going on. I still haven't seen Dad in the house since you came back."  
  
"Well, it was the best thing to do." Genma (future) fiddled with his glasses as if they were chalk and he had been asked to answer a question that he hadn't listened to.  
  
Akane continued impatiently, "And where are we? Is this Disneyland, Himalayas?"  
  
Ryoga almost exploded in a burst of arms, much to the despair of nearby geological features. Then he joined them, "I don't care! You must have come here to stop me."  
  
Calmly Genma responded, "I couldn't of because you didn't arrive for another two weeks. I was told that you arrived two weeks after the festival."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And if you look into the town what do you notice?"  
  
"A lot of people."  
  
"And what does that mean?"  
  
"It's a special day?"  
  
"Not quite."  
  
"Market day?"  
  
"Where are you going double trouble?" asked Ranma to the hole in the ground.  
  
"No," said Genma with increasing resilience.  
  
"Someone's birthday?" said Akane quickly.  
  
"No," responded Genma with much patience.  
  
"The vernal equinox?"  
  
"What?" said Akane. "Oh, that. Never mind."  
  
"Its festival day," said a tired Genma.  
  
"Ohhhh," in unison.  
  
"Hey! Come back here!" and Ranma ran off after a quickly growing trench.  
  
The other Genma then surmised, "Therefore I, eh you, have not come here to stop Ryoga but to do, um, what?"  
  
Genma (present) had just realized and was running off towards the town. Ryoga followed him swinging his arms, digging a drainage system for the fields, and shouting something about disbelief and the meaning of the word 'before'. Genma (future) also realized what was going on and ran after them, though he had a plan in mind to accompany the mad dash.  
  
Akane was very angry now. "Where are you going! (foot stamps) You haven't told me where I am! Come back here!!" Akane ran as fast as she could after them all, forgetting her previously happy life for a while. Anger was, and always had been, more natural for her.  
  
****  
  
"I don't think this is the right place again."  
  
"I am inclined to agree young one."  
  
The two of them were looking, awestruck, at a large sign advertising a television programme about a boy and his dad and their adventures after visiting China.  
  
"I had no idea that the mirror could move us that far away from our own timeline." "Nether did I," said a small figure in green Chinese clothing.  
  
****  
  
"Hurry! Into that hut!" said Happosaii to himself. He ran up to a derelict one-room hut, which stood above the grass, but not by much. From a distance it made one wonder if they had wandered onto a nuclear testing site and that was the building that they always showed being blown away like a matchstick in a tornado. To contradict this the grass around the house resembled palm trees in both height and thickness.  
  
"Come back here!" yelled an ever-nearing Ranma, whose impression of a kangaroo on steroids was particularly effective at seeing over the grass.  
  
Happosaii touched the lock of the door and said a few words. The lock glowed orange for a moment and the bolt slid open. The two ran in and the lock glowed again, clicking shut.  
  
After a few more hops over the grass Ranma managed to make out the house and leapt onto the door. Since it was locked, he was thrown back. The grass though, which had been cross breeding with redwoods, rebounded him into the door again. This process continued for some time.  
  
"Open this door!" commanded Ranma in exactly the way that a monk doesn't. He finally stopped his oscillations and pulled hard on the handle. Next he pulled up one of the nearby stalks and attempted to jam it in the door. This gave a similar effect to the jumping. Realising the futility, he slowly walked around the side of the hut, thinking. He stopped. Anger sparked between him and the new brass handle.  
  
"I think he'll be at that a while now," said our Happosaii reassuringly towards the bungee jump demonstration outside. "Now, to business. You have to remember the ways." His hands were already hot with friction.  
  
"Why?" said the other Happosaii weakly. "It never did us anything."  
  
"Why!" said an outraged Happosaii. "Because it is what I do! Because it is what I want to do!"  
  
"Why not buy some?"  
  
"That's beyond the point! Without the thrill of the chase you can never fully appreciate the merchandise."  
  
"But it's illegal."  
  
"And? It gave me all of the training that I could ever need!"  
  
"I know how far that's gotten you; a spot on 'When Children Attack.'"  
  
"But my collection! Why stop now? It's just reaching its full size and summer is just around the corner! A whole new range of items will suddenly be available for harvesting."  
  
"Do you ever actually use your collection?" Happosaii (future) already knew the answer. He was only rubbing it in.  
  
Happosaii (present) couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was being beaten by himself in a battle of wits! And, he had a point. Happosaii couldn't remember one time when he had used one piece of his collection that was more than one week old. Unsurely he responded, "Well, not exactly."  
  
"Do you know how happy the town was when they got their underwear back? Well, except for the lingerie shops. I don't think that they ever managed to recuperate from the sudden influx on the market."  
  
"Oh I can't believe this. Come." Happosaii could stand the blasphemy no more. Even if he had to summon the Spanish Inquisition, he would return himself to himself. Happosaii walked to a different door in the back and opened it only to be jumped by a being of similar anger to a battling Viking. The other Happosaii had seen but had chosen not to do anything. His point had been proven. Happosaii (future) was perfectly happy to wait until the Scandinavian had finished and set his eyes in his direction, but a small hand had pulled him away before he had been granted the gift of unconscious.  
  
"You are not going into that village so long as I can help it!" informed Ranma the Viking to the ground. "Where'd you go you little worm?" His head darted around, but only found a hole. "Come back here!" His fist shook the air, vibrating the extremely thick wood.  
  
He heard, and followed, another voice quickly moving away under the ground arguing, "Stop! I don't want to! I'm happy like I am! Oblivion must be better than this!!" Ranma ran after the voice into the village. The sight of destruction to the wood in such a haphazard path could have brought a lumberjack to tears. Well, at least until he realised how much the wood was worth.  
  
****  
  
"Alright. I think you have proven that you don't want to stop me by now. Can I please put down the clothes?" said a now very bored Ryoga/coat rack.  
  
Both Genma's responded simultaneously, "If she didn't insist on-"  
  
"I'm only trying to help. If you're going to go in disguise you might as well be in a good disguise," said Akane imitating (not intentionally) Kasumi's voice.  
  
"All that we need is something that hides us from plain sight. We aren't going to a wedding!"  
  
"Well, you say that this is a town of Amazons. Amazons are women and women have a dress sense, unlike you," said Akane matter-of-factly.  
  
Ryoga dropped the wide assortment of battle garments with a loud clatter and leaned down to whisper, unsuccessfully, into Genma's ear, "She isn't normally like this. I don't know what has turned her to the girly side. It might be-" Ryoga was cut off by a flying chair.  
  
"Well, maybe she isn't entirely lost to us," said Genma who had caught his ballistic chair.  
  
"If you don't want my help, I'll leave," said Akane, not controlling her anger.  
  
"No, I don't need you," said Genma as he walked into the closet.  
  
"It's alright honey. You just need to put on something or go and hide," said Ryoga, completely failing to speak comfortingly.  
  
Akane grunted and walked off, five outfits in tow.  
  
"So, how's this?" Genma had just walked out of the closet in a dark blue blouse (laced with titanium), black trousers (with sword scabbard), and wig (with darts). "Not exactly my style, but these women do dress practically!"  
  
'I hate you Ranma,' thought Ryoga as he walked into the toilet. 'Now that hasn't happened in a while' though Ryoga again. 'Might as well make use of my time in here.' He filled two small flasks with some water from the tap and then hurled a bucket that had been on the window into the room he had just been in. He walked into the room smiling and said, "Well, this should make life easier. Pandas live around here somewhere." When Ryoga opened his eyes from his smug expression he was shocked to see Genma sitting here holding a full bucket of water.  
  
"But, I, threw, you," stuttered Ryoga in the way that those who are not used to being confused do.  
  
"I thought you would do something like that. I didn't used to know much about you but now see you as another untrained student. You need to be taught," said Genma. The "Oink" of the pig that came afterwards could be interpreted as many things. One is anger. Another is worry. The "Oink" also showed that it knew what Genma was capable of.  
  
****  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry."  
  
In itself not a comment that you would typically consider able to start something horrible, but misplaced or insincere words can do much damage. Wars can be started with statements like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop that bomb on your embassy," or the even more popular, "I'm sorry, but that's my land." Overall, loose words cost lives and these words were very loose.  
  
("What did you say?")  
  
"Sorry, I didn't understand you."  
  
("Are we speaking the same language?")  
  
"You look familiar."  
  
"Why you no speak Chinese?" At this point Akane ran as fast as she could in the opposite direction from the Chinese girl with purple who she had just recognised.  
  
'How did I get here? I couldn't have gotten all of the way to China in 10 minutes. Where did the ocean go?' thought Akane worriedly.  
  
****  
  
("So, where have you been? The competition has been going for ages.")  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, it's you Hobolinta. Stop practicing your Japanese on me. You know I'm much better." Genma was starting to get worried. Everywhere he went, he was being mistaken for someone else and Genma didn't know a word of Chinese.  
  
"Alright," said Ryoga. Genma stopped and turned to face Ryoga. Akane had already stopped three stalls back and was eating an apple. They had been walking down the high street lined with mostly abandoned shops. It seemed everyone was in the centre of town, and that is where Genma was heading. Akane had been following her angry husband and, for once, thoughtful Genma.  
  
"What is it?" asked Genma.  
  
"Isn't it obvious!?!" said Ryoga in a way that one could not call calm. "We have no plan and-"  
  
"We have a plan."  
  
"These apples are good," pronounced Akane.  
  
"Your plan sucks!"  
  
"But it is a plan."  
  
"Well, we blend in like a bit of metal across a road."  
  
("You like my apples?") asked a worn old man, emerging from the back of the fruit stall.  
  
"You don't blend right."  
  
"How can I blend if I'm wearing clothes for a gorilla?" Ryoga was getting enraged about this point.  
  
"You must learn to observe your surroundings and then you can match them."  
  
("Yes, I would like to buy some apples.")  
  
"Alright then, but we don't have a plan for if someone talks to us. People are already beginning to stare when we argue." Genma had noticed this. One or two people on the edge of the crowd were beginning to look inquisitively their direction.  
  
("Your friends don't get along very well. Anyway, the apples are 200 yen each.")  
  
"We will not talk."  
  
"We won't but they will. None of us speak Chinese!"  
  
("Yes, I'll take four, but why do you use yen?")  
  
"A minor drawback." Genma remained calm, arms crossed conclusively.  
  
"What do you mean minor!" Ryoga started to walk away. "This is pointless."  
  
"No it is not." Ryoga spun around. A mild aurora glowed around him.  
  
"What are we trying to do anyway? You have yet to say."  
  
("Yen is a stronger currency than ours. It is also more mobile. I prefer it. Here are your apples.")  
  
("Thank you.") Akane ran up to join the others.  
  
"We are going to save my son from an evil influence," finished Genma.  
  
"Oh, Shampoo. I remember now. It's over here," said Akane as she ran up to them, her apples in a small bag. She ran off into the crowd, saying Chinese 'Excuse me's' the whole way. Genma followed, very impressed with himself.  
  
"When did you learn Chinese," said a confused Ryoga. He shrugged and ran into a crowd.  
  
****  
  
"Here we come to village-" said a recently appointed Jusenkyo travel guide. He didn't like his new post, but he accepted it. At least he got to get out some, and it paid better than the enforcement department. Eventually he would dump the two losers and run for Europe with his secret knowledge and money.  
  
"What kind of food is that?" said Ranma. He, well at the moment he pretending to be she, was exhausted. Walking over a mountain is one thing. Doing it with a guard that doesn't actually know the neighbourhood is another.  
  
"It no food! It village of Amazon womans." They walked into the village slowly.  
  
****  
  
"Where'd you go you slimy freak?" asked Ranma of a pole. The pole did not answer him. A basket of fruit did.  
  
"I'm over here," said the older Happosaii. A blur appeared and snatched the older Happosaii away from Ranma's grasp and disappeared into the crowd. The crowd was gathered around a large tree, suspended from two equally large trees by ropes that looked like they were made from jute, but obviously were made from high-tension steel. (Author's Note: For those who don't know, jute is what ropes have been made out of for years, at least until nylon came into being).  
  
Ranma ran into the crowd and began searching for the runts. Ryoga was doing almost the exact same, but sadly he had entered a crowd surrounding a fruit stand, in which Akane and Genma were not present.  
  
The other Genma, though he left the 'landing spot' after the original Genma, had already made a good position right at the entrance to town. Genma (present) and Akane were working their way towards the first prize table. Happosaii was not really doing anything, except going up every skirt in the crowd. Sadly for him (and the sake of plot complications) there were precisely none.  
  
"So when shall we begin this training you mentioned? It sounded exciting," said the older Happosaii, unbeknownst of what he had in store for himself.  
  
"It isn't training! Its, eh, something else!" Happosaii's enthusiasm was not tapped by this minor problem. He continued through the crowd, determined to find a skirt, somewhere. "Come on." He reached behind him to pull Happosaii nearer, but found no Happosaii. He saw Ranma retreating into the sea of trousers. He followed.  
  
****  
  
"Excuse me; have you seen a woman pass this way? She's about this high."  
  
("Go away you stuck up show off.")  
  
"Thank you for helping."  
  
Ryoga had been doing this for about ten minutes. He had not yet realised that he was in the wrong crowd. He had also not realised that he had talked to the same person four times and each time he had no idea what they said.  
  
****  
  
("This table is for winner only,") said a large burly guard who made the nearby mountain look small and pitiful.  
  
("I need to check the prize,") said Akane. She was very determined to get there, and the guard believed her. The guard stepped aside, much to the mystery of local seismologists, and Akane and Genma passed. They took up refuge under the table and waited.  
  
****  
  
("You must be ready for this. They will not be so easy on you.")  
  
("I know. I will work hard. I shall not fail.")  
  
("You had better not Shampoo,") said the figure blankly. She walked out the door into the crowd, although no one noticed.  
  
("Good luck Shampoo!") called a boy from the door.  
  
("Thanks Ryoga!") said Shampoo back and she walked out of the door and walked determinedly towards the hanging tree.  
  
Ranma was distracted enough from seeing Shampoo to drop the now asleep Happosaii (future) into a fruit basket and forget about him entirely.  
  
****  
  
'Very good,' thought the older Genma. He turned slowly and followed himself and his son into the crowd. To anyone who was paying attention, his poor attempt to look inconspicuous was about as convincing as the time the time that American agent had entered the town in typical clothing (for this village) with a T-Shirt and shorts underneath. A large black coat does not blend well into a crowd, especially when you walked crouched and covering your face with a gloved hand. This approach to espionage is even less effective in the middle of summer. Luckily for him, the people he was following were not awake enough to notice, or just didn't care.  
  
****  
  
("Welcome back everyone!") said a far too excited announcer. ("We have seen fantastic combat between these women throughout this festival, but not everyone can win!") The crowd cheered. ("Now we have made it down to the final competition!") Not as much cheering this time. 'Shouldn't have put a pause there,' thought the announcer. He continued with more forced enthusiasm, ("Here today on the log we have Shampoo and Soap! It's almost like being at a public baths!") Now he was becoming unpopular with the crowd. He probably wouldn't be found the next day. The announcer began to inch to the side of the arena/empty bit of the square and indicated to his partner to prepare the running shoes. After hosting this tournament for eight years running, he had learned a thing or two, but he was the only person around stupid enough to do it. 'But,' he thought, 'better well paid and stupid than poor and stupid.'  
  
Two women entered the arena. One could easily have been mistaken for a truck. The other could easily have been mistaken for a raging bull. This similarity stopped as soon as the crowd cheered again. Shampoo was very happy to be there, as was Soap, and they both showed it. The two were in no way related, so the battle would, sadly, not be as good as last years three- way brawl between a group of triplets.  
  
The two jumped into the air. Gravity turned its attention to some rocks on the top of a nearby mountain. By the time it had returned, the two were already on the log, 20ft. up. This attracted the Ranma not previously mentioned (past)'s attention. The Genma with him had just noticed a table of food and was walking towards it.  
  
****  
  
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: The character list gets a bit complicated now, so bear with me here. Just remember that there are about three of most of the people here. Ah, temporal anomaly.)  
  
****  
  
"This'll be good," said Ranma (past). He turned and followed his father towards the table containing a feast that most would consider sufficient to feed the world's population of royals and imperials, including the 2nd cousins of family assistants. At least, that's how it looked to Ranma.  
  
'Entertainment while you eat!' said a sign that the panda was holding. Ranma knew there was no point stopping his father now, just like there is no point in stopping an avalanche coming towards you with only a shovel.  
  
'Anyway, I'm hungry!' thought Ranma.  
  
****  
  
The guard of the table had left sometime ago for an inexplicable reason. Akane (future) and Genma (present) were waiting under the heavily laden table with a net and bat for Ranma and Genma (panda) (both past). Genma (future) was following the two in Kimonos to the table, intending to grab and run. Happosaii (future) was taking a nap in a basket. Happosaii (present) was searching the crowd for something that we currently do not now about. Happosaii (past) was currently in a cave in the ground, though the local council was doing demolition work outside. Luckily an old man stopped them before they did any real damage. Ranma (present) was searching the crowd for Happosaii for the usual reasons. The Tendo's (past (Well, actually present for the current context)) were going about their normal business, living and generally not knowing that Ranma existed. In fact, Akane was sitting through an awards ceremony for a certain speech contest at this moment in time. She, though, did not notice the battle plans being made by all of the males in the room. Now that's a lot ain't it?  
  
****  
  
Anyway.  
  
****  
  
What happened next occurred quickly and was very confused. Ranma and Genma (past) made it to the table of food. Everyone in the crowd was watching the battle on the log. From under the table Genma (present) and Akane (past) leaped onto Ranma, who was working his way through some corn and commenting on that good swing of the cement-like balloon, and Genma, who was currently working on some pork buns, was asking where he could find a kettle. The guide from Juesenkyo was going on about how lucky they were to see this contest, as it didn't happen very often. He turned towards them to describe the history of the town, but didn't see them. He was a bit worried since he wasn't intending to dump the two suckers until he had secured some money of them. Had he looked around he would have seen a large ball of coat and net walking swiftly for the front gate. ('Eh. They'll live,') he thought and continued to watch the battle.  
  
****  
  
Soap had just thrust her mace like stick at Shampoo again, but Shampoo trapped it between her balloons and hurled the stick off into the crowd. Genma (future) had just made it to the table in time to see the others jumping himself. He gathered them all up and walked into the crowd, towards the gate. Ryoga had finally made it into the correct crowd, but not by his doing. A pig does not have much hope in a crowd moving at high speed, so neither did he. Happosaii (future) was still quite happy in a basket, but the basket was currently travelling over the town at about 200 feet. (It had been kicked off a nearby hill by an official 'hill kicker' (an ancient religion)). Ranma had Happosaii (present) under his arm and was following the wrecking ball working its way through the crowd. Happosaii (present) had a large mace like stick stuck in his head. He hadn't had a power recharge recently, so he had been knocked out by the blast. Shampoo had just hurled Soap off the log and bowed, victorious.  
  
("We have a winner!") said a new announcer. Shampoo jumped down to accept her enemy's weapon as a sign of victory. However, since Ranma had been nearby recently, a problem quickly developed.  
  
("Where is the other one?") demanded Cologne, hopping madly towards the centre of the square. ("It's ancient tradition that the victor acquires the loser's weapon! Find the weapon or we suffer disgrace!") In the crowd, most people were pointing to a large path that had been carved to the back gate of town. Cologne and Shampoo ran/hopped down the path. Shampoo currently was taking her role as a raging bull very well.  
  
****  
  
"What are you doing?" inquired Ranma (past) to add emphasis to his barrage of failed punches. It is difficult to punch something when you are huddled in a ball, but this did not stop Ranma's punches hitting something, that something being his Genma.  
  
Genma (future) dumped the lot of them about half a mile out of town. He believed that behind this rocky outcrop he would be safe and out of sight long enough for Shampoo to finish her battle and leave Ranma alone forever. Sadly Shampoo had already left, just not in the direction planned.  
  
Akane was the first to pull herself from the premature, above ground, mass burial. She stood, painfully, and took a deep breath of the thin mountain air. She quickly decided that this was a bad idea since the air was more mist than oxygen and she fell to the ground coughing. When she came to, Genma (present) had emerged from the pile and was shaking hands with himself. Akane couldn't stand this self-admiration and decided to study their position.  
  
She was standing about half a mile out of the village. The main path was visible off to one side, but it quickly hid behind a large ledge of rock. They were currently perched on top of a small ledge, giving them an excellent view of the path coming up, but since they were looking through a gap in the rocks, she was protected from prying eyes. There was little plant life around, though there was a large flock of black birds approaching, on what looked like a bombing run.  
  
A sudden unmuffled cry blew her way, and Akane turned to see that Ranma and Genma (past) had managed to escape from the net/coat ball.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Ranma as he fell to the ground. His high-pitched voice obviously couldn't handle the tones that Ranma was intending and it came out sounding like he was ordering lunch, but his point got across none-the-less.  
  
Genma grunted. He reached for a sign but found that he had run out of wood. He bowed his head in defeat.  
  
Akane and Genma (present) grasped Ranma firmly, but Ranma stopped struggling when he was slapped by himself.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" said a bewildered Ranma fully well knowing the answer.  
  
"Eh." Akane, and Genma dropped Ranma and panic spread across their face like plague through a rat farm. Ranma (present) joined them as they darted around the ledge, out of sight. Genma kept going up the hill a bit further, but Ranma and Akane emerged in a new costume, which had materialized from a large sack that Ranma was carrying.  
  
Genma had always thought it best to be ready for any opportunity, and considering that he rarely bothered to secure visas for his journeys, having a few disguises handy was a good move.  
  
'Where's he off to know?' thought Ranma. Akane, for once, seemed to know what Ranma was thinking and actually leapt out from behind the rock first. They both quickly adopted authoritative postures that could have made generals weep.  
  
Akane then said in a rather poor accent, "We Chinese Custom Official. You show we passporty nowy."  
  
"Yesy," added Ranma, but the force behind it was a tad excessive.  
  
Ranma and Genma (past) just stared at each other in disbelief. "We have papers, somewhere," said Ranma (past) as he rummaged through Genma's pack. Genma was pointing in general directions and grunting what sounded like instructions. "You aren't helping!" Ranma punched the panda firmly in the stomach, but it only seemed to make the panda more frantic in its pointing. Genma (future) winced behind his rock about twenty feet up the path from the rest of the group. Genma (present) had disappeared to somewhere or another that neither Ranma nor Akane had noticed.  
  
Akane continued, "You havey no passporty? Bady Bady!"  
  
"Yesy."  
  
'To much force again.'  
  
"We musty take you to-ey airporty." Genma (past) looked up ecstatically. Free passage, no matter where it was going, was a good thing.  
  
"No, we are still looking for a cure," announced Ranma (past). Genma (past) looked at him as if he were giving up on a million pound prize. Ranma returned a look that could stun rats from five miles.  
  
"We have to find a cure!" insisted the same Ranma. Genma still looked angry and not at all stunned.  
  
"How are we going to get them to leave?" asked Ranma (present) to Akane under his breath.  
  
("I don't know. Maybe if we say we have a truck. Also, would you stop that Yes-y stuff! It makes you sound like Russian bouncer,") responded Akane. Ranma stared, bewildered.  
  
"You don't know Chinese?" asked a startled Akane. Ranma nodded rigorously. Akane looked worried. Genma (future) answered their plea, or at least what he thought was a plea.  
  
"What is the trouble here?" said what appeared to be a large robotic mirror but was in fact Genma in a large sheet with various badges attached. Ranma (present) noted that he had put on his voice reserved for only annoying salesman and the tax collector that appeared at strategic locations along all of their journeys.  
  
"Thesey people no have passport," summarised Akane, playing along. Ranma stared at Genma angrily.  
  
'Why are you in charge?' thought Ranma. Genma wasn't looking in his direction.  
  
Genma slowly turned towards the panda/punching bag and girl/five piston engine and attempted to look with authoritative displeasure, but ended up looking like a monkey that just saw a five-foot long banana. This was due to the fact that a panda that had just been thrown into him.  
  
"This is not good behaviour. You must leave now!" demanded Genma, taking advantage of the predicament.  
  
Ranma (past) had finished with the panda and was dusting himself off. "Could you start again?" Akane hung her head, but Ranma (present) stepped forward.  
  
"We are Chinese Customs Officials. -Ey." Ranma lost a little heart at the end, but Akane backed him up.  
  
"We musty seey your passporty. Immediately-ey."  
  
Ranma remembered why he had been angry with Genma in the first place and began to rummage through the bag. "They're here somewhere. He (indicating the ball of fur currently shining a mad mirror) looses everything, even his common sense. Training journey my butt. I can't believe." Ranma continued on about how much he disliked his life currently. The normal human would have given up and let Ranma die telling his story, but these three were particularly determined. Eventually, Ranma removed the browed papers from the bag and handed them to Akane with a slight smile. "Just ignore the stains. We had to use them for tea strainers one day." Another stare shot its way towards the panda, who was now attempting to bow bellow the water line as a sign of gratitude to himself. However, himself was not impressed.  
  
"You know," started Ranma (past) to Akane, "you're quite good looking." He quickly realised his mistake. Akane blushed. Ranma (present) looked worried, then added, "I know exactly where you are coming from, but not why." Genma (future)'s eyes quickly widened to the size of Volkswagens.  
  
'How could he be so careless!'  
  
"Do I know you?" said Ranma (past) inquisitively, "And why has your Japanese improved?"  
  
"Me speaky good?" being suddenly overwhelmed by surprise.  
  
("Would anyone like to buy some sweets?") asked a salesman who was walking by. It had been a bad day for him. Some kid in a yellow shirt had told him that a large city was only a couple miles up that path and he had ended up taking a four-day hike over a mountain range.  
  
"No." A pause, slightly larger than it wanted to be, ensued. "Well, are the papers in order?" asked Ranma anxiously. Akane was having a bit of trouble, not in reading the papers, but in finding something wrong about them. They were in Japanese and Chinese, so Ranma (past) could read them. Eventually Ranma (present) leaned over, taking a clue from Akane's strained expression, pointed to a line and said some blibber and Akane nodded. She then turned and handed the papers to Genma, who was staring blankly into the sky.  
  
"What?" said Genma in what he quickly realised was a far too casual tone.  
  
("I want to give you this pamphlet,") said Akane in Chinese; desperately hopping that Genma would understand. Genma didn't. ("I want to buy a cheese sandwich.") She was pointing at the papers and shaking her head. Genma then got a clue and took the papers.  
  
("Sorry, I don't have any cheese sandwiches at the moment. Ate the last one yesterday.") responded the salesman, who was still standing on the path, shouting over to them.  
  
Genma (future) recognised the photos. He had never quite worked out why his hand had adopted that position of loosing the middle and ring fingers. It might have had something to do with how you could see Ranma's foot leaving off the side of the photo. He flipped through the pages and eventually found a piece that he could comment on, the Chinese entry permit.  
  
"If you speaky Japanese, I can. Do you want to buy something?"  
  
Though they had swam across the Sea of Japan, customs officials still managed to spot the two swimmers coming from two odd miles away and swarmed upon the two like locusts swarm upon a fresh field a wheat to which seasoning has already been added. However, the officials had been greatly disappointed when they discovered that the two swimmers were simply visiting and carried with them less material positions than a dead hermit, therefore preventing them from extracting any money from the already non- existent wallet. Genma nodded authoritatively again and indicated a section of text to the two travellers before him. Genma, standing up for the fifth time, and the other looked over curiously.  
  
"This is not good. You must get another," said Genma, desperately trying to disguise his voice. Both Ranma's looked worried. Akane was anxious. Genma was pointing. The panda was angry. The salesman wasn't selling. Ryoga was going the wrong way out of the crowd.  
  
'But the officials at the border said that all was in order,' read a sign held by the panda. This threw the salesman, but he simply responded by holding a sign reading, 'I got a map to some bamboo buddy.' Sadly, the panda took no notice of him.  
  
'Hard sale today.'  
  
"The officials were correct. It was in order, but it isn't in order now."  
  
Ranma then asked a rather obvious question, "Why can you speak Japanese so well but they can't? And why do you two look so familiar. I know that I've seen you somewhere before. You haven't been following us have you?"  
  
Genma (future) attempted to be disgusted with himself, but didn't find it that difficult. "You should teach your son more respect. I have travelled in Japan and studied it's language. I am very proud of that."  
  
"You want buy food?"  
  
"NO! I DON'T!" responded Akane in a nice, friendly tone, adding a minor accent by using Soun's head technique.  
  
"Oh. Bye bye then!" The salesman walked on down the hill, reassured by the fact that he had found those with no money already. More people had to be nearer and had to be easier sales than that. As he trotted down the hill, he looked into the village and grinned broadly at the crowds. He also noticed that two lines were weaving their way through the crowd. One small one was going around in circles to everywhere but here. Another was aiming straight for him. The salesman, though, didn't care since he only saw a crowd of customers.  
  
Ranma (past) was now very confused. "How do you know?"  
  
"Oh, sorry miss. I must have had a slip of the tongue. Now, if you would please come with me and my associates." Genma did not manage to do this, though, since a raging bull and a ball of wood approached them in exactly the way that rocks normally don't.  
  
Well, now isn't that exciting? To be confusing, our current cast of characters includes: Ranma (present), Genma (present), Happosaii (present), Ryoga (future), Akane (future), Happosaii (future), Genma (future), Shampoo (past), Cologne (past), Ranma (past), Genma (past), and Constipated Bird Flock (real).  
  
If you understand the plot as of now, you are a good person and should work for a major University for the English department.  
  
To be slightly more confusing, who are these people that I had popping up in the last two instalments.  
  
Well, the next chapter should be shorter than this one. It isn't as a pivotal point in the plot, mainly a lead up to Chapter 6. Remember to send all slag, slander, and extra cash to tripleplay97@yahoo.com  
  
-Ryoga  
  
Mirror Rule #4: When used the mirror creates parallel time lines. One is the original line left by the travellers in which the travellers leave and never return. Secondly is the one in which the travellers exist, so that they are not effected by any changes until they return to what they believe is their original time line. Finally separate time lines are formed based on the actions that they perform upon time. They travel into these time lines during long journeys (ah, temporal anomaly). 


	5. Intriguing Extraterrestrial Research Fle...

Chapter Five! Ummmmmm. Long story.. Well, the story is going well here. Genma, Ranma, and Happosaii are, as usual, playing with things that they ought not. And someone is on the rampage again! Well, what wonders shall plague them this time?  
  
You lot getting confused with these Mirror Rules yet? Good. I barely understand them myself.  
  
Enough chat, more argument! -Ryoga  
  
Editor's Note: If you don't understand any images, don't blame me, I did the best I could with it.  
  
How Not to Use Your Amazonian Artifact:  
  
CHAPTER FIVE- Intriguing an Extraterrestrial Research Fleet  
  
This instalment brought to you by AOL, without which many walls would be very empty.  
  
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"I intend to live forever, or die trying." - Villa  
  
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"Would you like steak or saalmon sir?" asked the stewardess.  
  
(Author's Note: 'saal' pronounced like the name 'Sal.')  
  
The man in the immaculate pinstripe suit suddenly awoke, upturning an empty coffee cup from its stale resting spot on his armrest. He pulled a cloth handkerchief from his breast pocket and hurriedly wiped up the invisible mess.  
  
"Sorry about that. What were you saying?" He began to clean her blouse.  
  
"Would you like steak or saalmon sir?" repeated the stewardess with measured patience.  
  
The man took a moment to recognise the words. 'She couldn't seriously be serving salmonella? Must be a dialect,' flitted through his mind.  
  
"I'll have the steak please."  
  
The stewardess kindly dropped a tray of various foods that people distinctly avoided ordering at the airport café. The stewardess moved onto the next traveller who also had never heard 'salmon' so skilfully mispronounced. The pinstripes were forced out of the perpendicular with a long sigh of resolve. He leaned over his coat on the seat next to him to look out the window at the scenery. A range of mountains was ploughing its caps through a field of fog, leaving long ragged tracks in the second ground.  
  
He was just about to pull back to an unpromising meal when a light lured his eye. He peered down the invisible line to an impossible red light seeping across the field faster than a fresh plague of locusts. He summoned the stewardess again.  
  
In the dreary haze brought on by long-haul journeys he asked, "Where are we?"  
  
"We are currently passing over China," she responded. "I believe that mountain range is called Bionicle."  
  
"Strange name for China isn't it?"  
  
The man behind him leaned forward and corrected, "Its Biancale, not Bionicle. The area's mostly abandoned except for a few small villages. I travelled there once for some research but found the area wasn't appropriate for our purposes." A shiver of memory passed down his spine.  
  
"Oh, alright John. Wake me when we get to the convention," responded the original man. The stewardess walked on down the aisle to replenish the stock of leftover airport food. Both representatives of the International Spring Water Bottling Company slipped back into an uneven sleep, ignoring their meals for the time being.  
  
***  
  
("Where is it!") enquired Cologne, the force of her 3000 years worth of ancestors seeping from every syllable. Ranma (present) cowered at the voice. A bull like creature stood next to Cologne. Both creatures' hair had decided it would rather not listen to certain English physicists. Ranma (past) cowered at this.  
  
("Where is what?") asked Akane.  
  
("The weapon! You must have taken it!")  
  
("How dare you dishonour my victory like that! What do you want!") interrupted the purple haired one.  
  
By this point a flock of crow bombers had made its way to the airspace of an increasingly large group of heavily armoured women. It attacked unrelentlessly having met a particularly unpleasant group of small boys some days beforehand. Many of their dispatches were aimed at the two with heads resembling the tip of a Concorde, but were deflected off by auroras onto a small huddled mass on the ground. However, a retreat was called when the sky began to grow red, spreading like mould over old, moist bread.  
  
Ranma (past) stumbled backwards into Happosaii (present).  
  
"Ow! You ungrateful little," complained Happosaii (present) "What's this?" He pulled an ominous black spiked rod, which was quickly covered with bird droppings, from his shirt and discarded it off the ledge.  
  
"What have we done? We have stolen nothing!" demanded Genma (future).  
  
Genma (present) suddenly jumped down from a ledge above the arguing mass and added factually, "Yes! I haven't taken anything this time around. He almost did." The panda shook his head vigorously and pointed to a sign written in a panic stricken hand that read, 'I'm just an ordinary panda! Really!'  
  
Cologne took all of this in, and was distinctly less surprised than Shampoo. She grimaced down to Ranma (past) sprawled out on the ground like a starfish after a kid had finished with it.  
  
"What part have you played here? You look far too conveniently placed."  
  
"Me!" Ranma (past) quickly regained his composure, anger, aggression, footing, and about 25 other things. "I don't know what stupid weapon you are talking about and I don't know who all these idiots are! They grabbed me as I was passing through your village and dumped me up here, demanding to see some papers!"  
  
"Why aren't I surprised?"  
  
"Butt out." This comment by Ranma (past) was the first time anyone had directly talked to an Amazon in this way, ever. To rephrase that, the first time and lived.  
  
Cologne glided to the floor and pointed her stick directly at Ranma's head, but was kicked at by Ranma (present) before she could do anything. Shampoo responded with a quick volley from her painted lead weights. Cologne was quickly back on her stick and attempting to resolve the situation mentally.  
  
Genma (present) intervened, "Ignore the boy. He's just a trouble-making little snot." Genma (future) was already in between the two, but his block served no purpose since Ranma (for once) was listening to the words, not their meaning. He sat stunned. The panda was fending off some crows that had begun to dive bomb him. The assault had begun again.  
  
The panda began to run up the mountain to escape from the sparring group, the customs officials, and the only flock of birds in the world that are members to the Monthly Horror Club. Having finished his retreat, a full half a kilometre up the hill in under a minute, he stopped behind a rock.  
  
'Just sneak out of the country and it'll all be all right. But what about the boy? I don't have anything to buy him with.'  
  
("Just give me my weapon and we'll be off!") demanded Shampoo. ("Why do you need it?")  
  
("We don't!") explained Akane.  
  
Ranma (present) started to make for Shampoo. He thought he knew her well enough, but Genma (present) held him back.  
  
"No son, we can't have you going off and doing something like that."  
  
"Why?" asked Ranma in the middle of flipping Genma to some point in the crowd. Genma counteracted this with a spin and simply landed a few feet away from his starting point.  
  
Ranma leapt for Shampoo in a simulated suicide dive, preparing to feint and attack from beneath. However, half way down he was stopped by a faint red glow, suspending him in midair.  
  
"Now that we can understand each other maybe we can come to some agreement?" inquired Cologne. "I believe you have something that belongs to me?"  
  
Ranma cut long chunks out of the air but could still not free himself. "Lemme go!"  
  
"I am very sorry, but we don't know what you are talking about," responded Genma (future) in a truthful voice he had been practising.  
  
Genma (present) joined in, "We're just here to keep this disgrace (pointing to the red, Ranma-shaped haze) out of trouble. The others are stragglers."  
  
Cologne noticed at this point the similarities between her two opponents.  
  
***  
  
Ryoga was finally getting somewhere. After a short fiasco with a fruit stand and a box, Ryoga had at last found the correct crowd. When last he had looked it was making its way up a mountain path. The members of this crowd all seemed to be preparing for a good ol' riot/mêlée. He seemed lucky to still be alive.  
  
To find his new direction, that of the 'evil one', he jumped on the woman in front of him's head. She was distinctly not pleased with this, but couldn't remove him, so resorted to a barrage of prods to give him the idea. Ryoga surveyed the area, ignorant of the tenderising he was receiving.  
  
The crowd thinned not to far up into a semicircle around a group of people, some of which seemed to posses hair that does not obey normal physical laws. He recognised Akane, kneeling on the ground tending to a Ranma that looked much more familiar to him, ragged and beaten. This pleased him greatly.  
  
Well, it pleased him until he was startled by the sudden call of a nearby salesman, ("Water! Buckets! Get 'em here!")  
  
Ryoga fell off at precisely the same moment as the salesman tripped on a rock. The jolt of righting himself sent one of his precious buckets off the tray, clanging onto the ground. The salesman gave a tired sigh.  
  
'Not been a good day. Should have listened to that other guy's warning.'  
  
He shook his head and knelt down to retrieve his bucket but was impeded by a man's clothing draped across the bucket.  
  
He discarded the clothes and retrieved his bucket, minus water.  
  
'Mighty small pig. Not even big enough for a decent meal. Eh.' He tossed the pig aside.  
  
Ryoga then set off into the crowd, uttering every permutation of 'Oink' possible. Sadly he did not know Chinese oink for 'kettle.'  
  
***  
  
Happosaii (future) gave a long yawn and woke himself up with a bang on the head. He removed himself from the basket and hopped off into the crowd to find something to do. 'Why not surprise myself?' He smirked and merrily went in search of a quarry.  
  
***  
  
Happosaii (present) gave a long yawn and woke himself up with a bang on the head. He removed the shoe from his forehead and rubbed it thoroughly. The ladies weren't, surprisingly, receiving him too well. 'If only they didn't wear trousers.' He smirked and went off in search of another quarry.  
  
***  
  
Happosaii (past) gave a long yawn and woke himself with a bang on the head. He removed his head from the rock and peered around through the darkness. Very dark, and where was his saké?  
  
'Looks like a cave.' He began to tunnel.  
  
***  
  
From a pig's vantage point (between someone's legs) he could make out the scene very well. The crowd stood in a semicircle downhill from a group of highly angered people. Cologne and Shampoo stood on the left, Cologne, as usual, perfectly balanced on her reinforced stick. The two Genma's stood opposite them, both showing the same defiance. Ranma had now accepted his position three metres off the ground and, though at a slight angle. He stood with his arms crossed, looking as if into the eyes of death (after having poked them). Akane was crouched on the ground nursing a different Ranma.  
  
"Oink oi nk in o oo on ok o ik," summarised Ryoga and he padded off in search of the bucket salesman's sibling.  
  
***  
  
"I have no idea," explained Ranma (present), "what you are talking about."  
  
("I'll kill you,") responded Shampoo.  
  
("No honey. Remember the law,") said Cologne. "Alright, I accept that. However, you were seen leaving our village in a rather hurry. Our weapon is missing and no one here has it."  
  
"Neither do we!" interrupted Genma (present).  
  
Cologne's anger continued to build. "If anything, there is the small matter of the stolen clothing."  
  
"Ah," said Genma (future). Genma (present) was not affected.  
  
"I'll let you off this time if you help us to find the weapon." Shampoo indicated that this was not acceptable.  
  
"I ain't helping nobody!" exclaimed Ranma (present).  
  
"What have I done to have to do this?" asked Genma (present).  
  
"Get your sushi here folks!" announced a salesman.  
  
"Sounds alright," agreed Genma (future). "Where shall we start?"  
  
"What's this we!?" inquired Ranma (present). He didn't notice the red glow leaving his general vicinity.  
  
Genma and Genma stared in a battle more vicious than two rabid squirrels fighting for a blind female; one's sense of life against another's sense of laziness. In other words, a battle that could not be won.  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"For life."  
  
"Ouch." Ranma (present) had been reintroduced to the ground.  
  
"My will to live will be greatly jeopardised if I help her."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It will become less interesting."  
  
"And that is important because?"  
  
"Ranma's coming 'round!" interrupted Akane.  
  
"Without interest, my life is not worth living."  
  
"What about that year in the desert?"  
  
"That's different."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Ouch." Ranma (past) had been reintroduced to reality.  
  
"That was survival."  
  
"Rather similar to now?"  
  
"No."  
  
"She'll kill us if we don't help."  
  
"You maybe."  
  
"You're confident."  
  
"Come and get your roast chicken here!" suggested another salesman.  
  
"Why shouldn't I be confident?"  
  
"Because I know you."  
  
"How?"  
  
"I am you."  
  
"Good point."  
  
"I'll take some," said a Ranma.  
  
"Me too," said the other.  
  
"This is no time for food boy."  
  
"Food! Where?" Genma (present) spun around.  
  
Cologne chose this moment to attack.  
  
All of the rocks in the local area suddenly forgot about their inanimate lives and hurled themselves relentlessly towards a group of figures.  
  
Genma (present) crouched, hands poised with two fingers down, ready to copy his passport photo at a moments notice. Ranma (past) forced Akane to the ground and ran towards what was, comparatively, nirvana, his pop and about a half mile of ground between him and certain doom/continuing hunger. Ranma (present) looked ready to remind any stone that came near him that it was inanimate. Genma (future) stood sceptically looking at the impressive display. Shampoo was pleased that she could release her violent tendencies. The crowd agreed with her. Ryoga could no longer 'Oink.' Two Happosaii's were dropped kicked into the path of an anti-gravitational avalanche.  
  
The Happosaii's enjoyed a quick game of hopscotch across the river of stones and landed at the front of the crowd. They prepared to save Ranma again and teach him a new lesson. This also would give them some leverage on Ranma, as a life debt is a serious debt.  
  
'A few shots in a bra should pay for that,' thought one of them.  
  
Ranma began to swing his arms determinedly in the path of the stones. Sadly for his pride, they never came.  
  
They all abruptly stopped about a foot away from him. The red glow weakened greatly.  
  
Genma (future)'s head was bowed. Cologne grimaced at the stones, failing to convince them to fly to their target. She left the stones to continue doing nothing, but on the ground. Their clatter against the dusty ground mimicked the attitude of the person who dropped them.  
  
Genma (present) looked his other self in disgust.  
  
"How dare you!"  
  
"Dare me what?"  
  
"Use one of the master's attacks!"  
  
"Is there a problem with being alive?" enquired Genma (future) angrily.  
  
"No, but I could never use an attack developed to collect panties!"  
  
Genma (present)'s head was introduced to a large mallet and rapidly moving foot.  
  
***  
  
After a short period of intense deliberation, Genma and Ranma (past) concluded their discussion and ran hell-bent across the mountain with the speed of a video game character. Even though they moved closer to Juesenkyo, they moved away from death, doom, and passport control, all of which rated as worse. They would never return for any reason, not even to find a cure. Instant Nannichuan was good enough for them.  
  
***  
  
"Life is better than pride," Akane informed Genma (present).  
  
"My life is better than your pride," informed Ranma to the same Genma.  
  
Cologne distracted them all. "You are good, but are you this good?"  
  
A red streak thundered into the ground, forming a neat hole in the nearby ground. Shampoo used this distraction as a reason to attack.  
  
Genma (present) seemed to be inspired by his teaching headache and joined himself in offering a counterattack. Swallowing one's pride was better than swallowing one's son's foot.  
  
They slung their hands down to invisible holsters and pulled from them balls of blue light. They expelled these towards Cologne. They shot with the accuracy of an enraged, sober hillbilly at her. She dodged them, but was forced off balance. This caused her next lightning bolt to land off mark, dissolving the ledge above the group in a bath of crimson instead. The ground, though not dented, conceded to the power of Genma's attack and exploded.  
  
Shampoo drew her weapons up and cocked them. They sparked green to signify success. She forced one highly charged balloon towards Ranma. He wisely chose not to grab it but jumped over it instead, falling just behind Shampoo. In transit he delivered a kick to her head. The balls touched ground and formed a nicely charred area. Ranma added to his prior attack with a short blast of the chestnut fist. Then he leaped out of barbequing range.  
  
Shampoo charged towards the descending Ranma and forced both of her screaming neon balloons into the flat of his back. However, Ranma lightly touched down and kicked the suddenly drained globes from her hands.  
  
'What? They were fully charged!' panicked Shampoo.  
  
Ranma, just as surprised as she was, forced his foot into her stomach. However, he pulled away in too much of an arc and managed to get his foot caught in the reinforced seam of her shirt. Beyond greatly worrying Ranma, this manoeuvre flung Shampoo over Ranma's head and, the force having been amplified by the elastic seam, flung her head first into the base of the ledge.  
  
Her last sight before blacking out was a dark haired girl that she hadn't noticed previously. She had a light aura and her glowing hand was firmly splayed towards where she had been.  
  
Cologne was having a bit of trouble dealing with the rapid-fire destruction. She could easily dodge them, but she couldn't counterattack. Her stick was even beginning to groan in protest.  
  
She saw the next four bolts of electric blue light coming towards her and leaped up into the dust-enriched sky for safety. However, she encountered two paper maché balls that hissed just loudly enough to be confusing.  
  
With a loud bang, Cologne's patience was destroyed. Her stick splintered and a piece fell off.  
  
"Master!?!?" asked both Genma's in surprise.  
  
"Thought I'd lend a hand boys!" smiled Happosaii (present).  
  
Happosaii (future) had his hand in Genma's pocket. He extracted the mirror happily.  
  
Ryoga, at last, made it to the front of the crowd again. He pushed a salesman aside and leaped towards Akane. "Akane! I'm here!" Akane ran, much to Ranma's disgust, towards him. However, Ryoga aborted the dive too early and landed on Happosaii (future). Akane ran faster to tend her husband.  
  
Cologne never actually landed. She hung in an aurora that had only two rivals, her own many years prior and that of an old man living in Israel for the fun of it.  
  
"No one breaks my stick. No one defeats my grand-daughter." Her voice brought about serious doubts as to Cologne's planetary origins. Shampoo was jerked towards Cologne in a separate red glow.  
  
The aura began to descend from the sky. It prepared to suck the living pleasure out of their pathetic bodies. It aimed itself to them, guided by its controller.  
  
A minor problem occurred.  
  
A bucket of water had fallen off of the salesman's tray when Ryoga had pushed past. Try as he might to prevent it, it had propelled itself skyward. This then encountered the mirror that had been forced from Happosaii's hand when a large human had fallen on him.  
  
The mirror responded with more energy than Cologne's aura. An erratic, broad beam of painfully white light billowed out of the mirror. The sound it resonated gave people ten miles away permanent hearing damage. It caused seismic waves that, to this day, confuses the greatest seismologists and gives Chinese seismologists something to talk about at conventions. The bucket rocketed away into orbit around Mars, leaving the Mirror vibrating violently alone in the sky of aura.  
  
The light engulfed the suddenly panicked Cologne and her floating, unconscious granddaughter. Akane and Ryoga, together in a loving embrace were caught in the lower portions of the beam. A grumbling Happosaii (future) was caught unawares by the waves and was jostled into the beam's path. Happosaii (present) managed to barely escape its grasp by ejecting his most prized bra and jumping off of it.  
  
A large pile of rocks was also caught in the breadth of the enormous power output. Those that were not held in the beam cascaded down the hill, enjoying the company of a few humans on the long way down.  
  
A faint image of a different location and time disturbed the blinding light. As it flitted away, all within the beam dissolved into it. The beam began to weaken. The ground cracked to signify that the beam wasn't dead yet.  
  
Genma (future) had marvelled at the spectacle. He turned to himself and his past son. With all his might, he yelled over the roar of a thousand warp engines, "I cannot stay here. I don't belong with you. I would only cause further trouble. This much I know." Genma and Ranma didn't catch much of this, but understood when he walked towards the beam.  
  
On its fading edge he turned back and finished, "Good day Mr. Saotome." He forced his foot firmly into the beam and leant forward upon it. A different image annoyed the diminishing beam and he faded into the mists of randominity. The beam could no longer handle this demonstration.  
  
Having finished proving its worth to the universe, the mirror became the first object to obey gravity recently. It fell softly to the ground between Genma's feet.  
  
***  
  
The sky and universe in general cleared. Despite a small research fleet that was being dispatched from a planet on the more fashionable end of the galaxy to investigate a recent display of impossible power, things were looking up for space-time.  
  
A plane disappeared off the horizon towards Japan carrying with it nightmares for years to come.  
  
The crowd stirred uneasily. Their matriarch had just disappeared into thin air. However, when one thought about it, she had disappeared into something, hadn't she?  
  
Happosaii maturely stepped forward towards the mirror and picked it up. He withdrew tears of sacrifice. It surprised him how cold the mirror was. Water condensed on its surface despite the surrounding temperature. Ranma and Genma didn't register Happosaii. They were, like much of the crowd, too startled to talk.  
  
Ranma didn't yet understand what his father of future had done, but from his father's expression he could tell that it was something this Genma would never do. Ranma was brought back from the outer reaches of unconsciousness by a cold mirror being flung into his eye. A tear formed in his eye and slipped down his dusty face quickly. It fell from his face and Happosaii caught it with the mirror. Though Happosaii was fully in the mood to cry, he chose not to for he saw no point in making a wish. There was nothing for him now that he had lost it.  
  
'This isn't the best place to do that,' thought Ranma.  
  
Another energy spike attracted that research fleet's attention. The three travellers travelled again.  
  
A few people muttered among the crowd. A short teenager in a yellow shirt and braced legs, one of the few males in the crowd, began to cry, muttering something about loosing something. After a long, unsteady silence a voice called hopefully out over the confused heads.  
  
"Well then." He collected his thoughts and continued, "Anyone want a melon?"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Enjoy that? Not so humorous, but a fight is a serious thing. Humour comes greatly into the next chapter, hopefully. I shan't break the atmosphere with any more comments. - Ryoga  
  
Mirror Rule #5: Don't, under any circumstance, allow the mirror to become completely soaked in ordinary water. Shall we say it becomes a tad confused in the destination department. 


End file.
